There ain’t nothin’ that Dolly can’t do

The irrepressible country star’s first novel comes with a violet vinyl LP (and purple prose to match)

ROSE RUN by Dolly Parton and James Patterson 448pp, Century, T £16.99 (0844 871 1514), RRP £20, ebook £9.99 ÌÌÌÌÌ

The United States is such a deeply divided nation right now that perhaps the only thing which could unite Americans once again is an alien invasion. Or Dolly Parton.

I’m not kidding. Even the most unsmiling, non-binary, Trumpophobic Democrat would find it hard to keep up their ideological guard when confronted with the radiant friendliness, perky talent and tender philanthropy of the Queen of Country. (Dolly became even more beloved, if such a thing were possible, when she donated $1 million to the Moderna Covid-19 vaccine programme.)

As for Republicans, Parton is pretty much the ideal poster girl; a shining example of native self-reliance. Born in 1946 in a one-room cabin in Locust Ridge, Tennessee, young Dolly took herself to Nashville the day after she graduated from high school. Faster than you can say “deep frard chicken”, she became one of the most successful vocal artists of all time, writing over 3,000 songs, winning 11 Grammys and going on to be a surprisingly convincing actress in films such as Steel Magnolias and 9 to 5. For the latter, multi-tasking Dolly wrote one of the catchiest tunes of all time: “Well, I tumble outta bed and stumble to the kit-chen/ Pour myself a cup of ambishin.”

Affixed to a teeny frame, Dolly’s cartoon curves (she makes Jessica Rabbit look like an Anita Brookner librarian) and that high, heliumspeaking voice have made her the subject of much condescension. In a 1981 Two Ronnies Grand Ole Opry parody, Ronnie Barker wore a platinum wig and inflatable Grand Canyon cleavage to play Polly Parton “with an hourglass figure and the sand sure is stacked up the top”. A self-deprecating Dolly invariably joined in the jokes. This is the woman who called one of her albums Backwoods Barbie. But do not be fooled, dear reader, there is steel in them thar magnolias. A formidable businesswoman who founded her very own Dollywood theme park.

In a book of interviews, Not Dumb, Not Blonde, she drily recalled that, in 1972, she had a “good writing day”. You could say that. In a single evening, Dolly came up with Jolene and I Will Always Love You. The greatest Double Top in the history of popular culture.

And now Parton has written a novel. “A what?” as a friend of mine exclaimed, spluttering into his G&T. Yes, Siree. Run Rose Run is a collaboration between Parton and James Patterson, “the world’s most successful writer”, whose novels have sold a deafening 375 million copies.

Previously, Patterson has lent his bestselling heft and machinetooled prose to another newbie novelist, Bill Clinton, for The President is Missing, a thriller about a handsome, wise, heroic American leader who is, quite unfairly, facing impeachment. Can’t think who that was based on.

Nor, to be fair, would you lose money betting that Run Rose Run also has a certain autobiographical element. AnnieLee Keyes, a gloriously gifted, 17-year-old singersongwriter, runs away from her troubled Texas background and hitchhikes to Nashville to fulfil her dream of becoming a country and western star. After a couple of nights sleeping rough, she is spotted doing a set in the Cat’s Paw bar by a guitarist called Ethan Blake. “He was dark-haired and coal-eyed and as long-legged as a young Johnny Cash, and her heart gave a little skip in her chest. He had just about the nicest face she’d ever seen.”

Just a wild guess, but might this possibly be our hero? Hush your mouth, now, you goddam Limey cynic!

Anyway, the hunktastic yet strangely soulful Ethan swiftly recommends AnnieLee to his boss, Ruthanna Ryder. He waxes poetic: “She sang like an angel who’s been cast out of heaven, yearning to fly back up to where she belongs.”

Ruthanna, we learn, is “one of country music’s grandest queens” in her “high heels, false eyelashes and a sparkling Southern smile”. Any more clues as to who might have inspired this Ruthanna character? “A woman who clawed her way to the top of her industry and into the hearts of a majority of the world’s population.” Well, hello, Dolly!

The thought of two writers producing one book always sounds like hell. I mean, who does what? And how do you avoid ending up with a pushmi-pullyu mess? Cynics may suspect that Run Rose Run is simply a case of Patterson ghosting Parton’s story and the publisher claiming it was a joint endeavour to maximise sales. So where do the mighty bestRUN

seller’s fingerprints end and Dolly’s vermilion talons begin?

The star gave a clue in a recent interview when she admitted that

she was “kinda intimidated” when Patterson asked her to collaborate with him. Then, she figured out, “I’m a singer, I’m a writer, why not write an album based on the book?” And so, there came to pass a great leap forward in world literature: a novel with (in one luxury edition) a violet vinyl LP attached.

Why has no one thought of this before? How much would Salman Rushdie’s later tomes have been pepped up by a saffron vinyl companion album? A lot.

It is a brilliant piece of marketing synergy. Run Rose Run, the 48th studio album by Dolly Parton, will be released on Friday through Parton’s Butterfly Records, featuring

songs which AnnieLee “composes” in the book of the same name. “Is it

easy?,” AnnieLee sings. “No it ain’t/ Can I fix it?/ No I cain’t.”

If the vinyl is violet, the prose is purple. Deep purple. A sub-plot in which AnnieLee is pursued by demons from the past does its best to turn this backwoods bildungsroman into a thriller, but it makes very little sense. How does the thick-as-a-hick pursuer know uncannily where our heroine will be at any given time? The darkness feels bolted on; more Patterson than Parton.

All the great country songs are about heartbreak, about gittin’ back on your feet and startin’ over. Ultimately, that is where this book scores. AnnieLee is an adorable firecracker of a heroine and I’m sure they will find some pint-size soprano, with the voice of an Appalachian angel, to play her in the film opposite – yes, you guessed it! – Dolly Parton as Ruthanna.

Like middle-of-the-road easy-listening, Run Rose Run has a sweet moreishness that will keep millions happily turning its 409 pages (plus lyrics at the back). Parton and Patterson may have invented a new style; let’s call it Dolly Mixtures.

Hand on heart, can I tell that you this is a good novel? No I cain’t.

But its uplifting story will only add lustre to the legend of the US’s most beloved celebrity. Seriously, is there anything this phenomenal 76-year-old cannot do? Pour herself a cup of ambition and… who knows? President Parton would be a damn sight more convincing and unifying occupant of the Oval Office than the embalmed

Joe Biden. And, boy, what a song she could write about that. Run, Dolly, Run!