The Daily Telegraph - Saturday - Saturday
SHANE WATSON PEOPLE WAT C H I N G
Melania’s Christmas decorations are a bit like her – bold, blingy and somewhat scary. What do yours say about you?
Melania has been decorating the White House Christmas trees, as first ladies do at this time of year. Nothing out of the ordinary there. Then again, notice she is wearing red gloves to do the decorating, which is kinky, let’s face it, not to mention the opposite of hands-on getting in the Christmas spirit. Those special tree dressing gloves tell us, if we didn’t already know, that Melania is thinking: “Eeew, I can’t stand this horrible, dirty, outdoor thing. You know what, I Really Don’t Care about the stupid trees.” Meanwhile the trees themselves – there are several different types, including pointy blood-red ones, and ones laden with clunking gold seals – are notably Melania-esque in style: bold, blingy, and potentially a bit scary.
That’s the way it goes with Christmas decorations in general – they’re surprisingly revealing – and now is as good a moment as any to run through the things they might say about us.
The minimal, one-colour decorative scheme. This says: we do Christmas but we don’t do kiddie, or messy, or ugly family members. We definitely don’t wrap our own presents; we’re having fillet of beef, not turkey; and the tree is nonshedding, like the dog. On the day, like Madonna, we will do some weights and stay carb-free. Next year we’ll go somewhere hot.
The mainly green and living scheme. Also known as the Far from the Madding Crowd look: halls decked with boughs of holly, ivy on the mantelpiece, fir cones a-go-go, and paperwhite narcissi and a tree festooned with handed-down wooden decorations. This is your posh-in-the-country look and it goes hand in hand with extended family get-togethers, party games, and wearing something velvet. You can guarantee this lot are making the lunch from scratch, and comfortably feeding 20 on the day, plus another 20 on Boxing Day. What you won’t find them doing is watching the Strictly special in their reindeer all-in-ones.
The boho scheme. Again lots of greenery but also endless fairy lights and candles and handmade decorations. This scheme says posh but much more likely to be friends with actors, not drinking (for addiction reasons), practising meditation, and guaranteed to be trying the Ottolenghi thing with the sprouts (all the children are vegan).
The hygge scheme. Not too much fuss, a small tree, a eucalyptus wreath over the log burner. No one’s “dressing up”. No one’s sticking to the traditional menu (might do hot smoked salmon). No one’s keen to do lunch (waste of the day), they might even go for a Christmas Eve dinner and it’ll be 50-50 friends and family, with a one-present limit. These people aren’t Scandinavian, but they identify as Scandinavian.
The Seventies scheme. Fake snow on the windowpanes. Wizzard on the turntable. A tree groaning with tinsel and snowmen made out of cotton wool and pom-poms. Many special themed Christmas cocktails and snacks, and unlimited novelty presents piled under the tree where the dog has started unwrapping them, plus TV on a loop (starting with Christmas Top of the Pops).
See. There is a lot hanging on your Christmas tree.