Richard Madeley answers your questions

The author and broadcaster answers your questions. Write to DearRichard@telegraph.co.uk

Dear Richard A colleague shared an intimate problem with me: now she’s freezing me out

For six years I have worked as a volunteer in different departments of an organisation. Two years ago I moved to a new section working in a small team with just two paid employees and myself.

I became good friends with one of the paid team who is 18 years my junior. We shared a lot of laughs at work, and talked through a lot of personal difficulties outside work.

A few weeks ago she shared a very intimate problem with me and I tried to help her through it. I then got an email saying she had overshared and felt embarrassed and disloyal to her partner. She was worried what she had told me would get back to him. I assured her that it would go no further and thought that was that.

Since then she has blanked me at work. Last week I called her, as the situation was getting uncomfortable. She replied by text saying she was not aware of any difficulties between us. She accused me of being aggressive and told me not to contact her or her partner again. She also told our line manager and other colleagues not to talk to me about her.

My colleagues have been very supportive, but I realise they can’t get involved. I am now in another department but I miss my job and colleagues. How do I sort this out, given I can’t talk to this woman?

JASON, LINCS

Dear Jason

We can only guess at what your colleague confided to you (and it’s

greatly to your credit that you have maintained your discretion on the subject), but given her subsequent levels of embarrassment, I’m going to assume it was a sexual problem.

If so, that explains a lot. She obviously woke up the following day full of doubts and self-recriminations, and perhaps in a state of near-panic. I think this is understandable, and you were right to promptly reassure

her that nothing would go any further. But obviously she continued to worry.

I think your mistake was to pursue her when she first blanked you and then said she wouldn’t have time to see you. I wish you’d written to me then: I would have counselled you to give her the space she obviously needed to allow her nerves and embarrassment to settle.

I’m afraid all you’ve done is to spook her still further, to the point where she’s behaving both unfairly and irrationally.

My strong advice is to let the matter lie. Any further approaches are likely to provoke her to even worse excess. You say your colleagues are supportive, but you may find their patience and understanding beginning to wear thin if they perceive you to be looking for trouble. I know you aren’t, but offices are emotionally charged places and things can quickly get out of hand.

Put your friendship on ice. Allow this woman to recover her equilibrium. She may become friendly again in time, but don’t count on it. Chalk this one up to experience, Jason; and the next time someone starts to confess all to you, suddenly remember you have an urgent appointment.

Dear Richard I can’t look my friend in the face after her cosmetic surgery

A dear friend has been experimenting with Botox and fillers for some years, and has now intensified her campaign against the passing of time and gone under the knife. The results are not encouraging. She is pressing me for comment, with the clear expectation that such comment be rapturously positive. One wishes to be supportive, but we have always spoken freely and truthfully. Any criticism I make will not be constructive, as presumably the procedures she has undergone are irreversible. What on earth should I say?

ANON, BUCKS

Dear Anon

I agree it’s tricky, but three simple questions will clear the picture for you. (1) Will honesty do any good?

(2) Will it change anything? (3) Will it improve the quality of your friendship? I think the answers are pretty obvious – no, no, and no.

If your friend were asking you your opinion before going under the knife, then you would have the absolute right, indeed responsibility, to be completely honest. But she isn’t.

She’s asking for endorsement and reassurance after the event.

I’d give it to her, without hesitation. Honesty is a virtue, but it can be a misplaced one. For example, if your friend were getting married and on her big day you thought her wedding dress made her look like a meringue, would you feel duty bound to say so? Of course not. You’d lie and assure her she looked wonderful.

If you tell your friend her surgery was a mistake, you can never take it back. As you say, the effects are likely to be permanent, so every time you meet after you’ve delivered your unflinching verdict, she’ll know what you’re thinking. It will almost certainly destroy your relationship. You describe this woman as a “dear friend”. Surely preserving that friendship is more important than passing meaningless judgment on her new appearance?

You may be in a position to tell her that she’s accomplished enough, and has no further need of cosmetic procedures. But if she ignores you, accept it. Her life; her face.