HOW TO TALK ABOUT AN AFFAIR NAVIGATING THE MIDLIFE CRISIS POINT

Remember we live in a blame culture, and if you are not careful, your partner will hear: “My life is meaningless and it’s all your fault” or “I’ve been busy leading the life you wanted me to live, rather than the one that is right for me.”

Even if you do think your partner has been controlling and has stopped you from achieving your goals or from being yourself, consider the part you played.

Why have you so willingly gone along with someone else’s life plan? My guess is that it started way before you met your partner: when you were a small child. How did your mother control you? How did your father get his way?

So by all means, in your private thoughts, start by “blaming” your partner for your midlife crisis.

But also think about how to frame the problems with sentences which start with “I” rather than “you”. For example: “I was too ready to please” or “I didn’t stand up for what I believed in.”

After all, if you are going to be a full adult – in charge of your own life – you will need to think about how you can change things (rather than expect others to come to the rescue or wait for someone to give you permission to do what is right for you).

It could be that talking about your midlife crisis will get your partner thinking about his or her own life. It is quite possible that your crisis will have sparked a matching crisis for him or her.

Perhaps your marriage is what gave his or her life meaning and he or she is having to live without the comfort blanket of the simple messages society gives about love – for example: “If you’re a good husband or wife, your partner will be faithful.”

If your partner is angry, be compassionate. Listen to what he or she has to say.

Don’t get defensive or try to solve his or her issues. Just focus on acknowledging the feelings and taking the problems seriously. After all, your partner, just like you, has to find the answers for him or herself. AGM

The midlife crisis has long been treated as a joke. But jokes belittle the strong emotions that are brought to the surface by an extra-marital affair. If you’ve been unfaithful, I would not be at all surprised if you have already begun to discount this as one of the reasons why – but please keep an open mind. Let’s start by looking at a list of some of the main “symptoms” that are associated with a midlife crisis:

Discontent or boredom with life (including people and things) that provided fulfilment beforehand. It is common to ask: “Is that all there is?”

Feeling restless and wanting to do something completely different.

Questioning decisions you made years earlier and the meaning of life. †Confusion about who you are or where your life is going.

Irritability, unexpected anger.

Persistent sadness.

Increased use of alcohol, drugs, food and other compulsions.

†Greatly decreased or increased sexual desire.

Sexual affairs, especially with someone younger.

Fretting about status and the point reached in your career.

Many husbands and wives have come into my office wondering if their partner’s affair is down to a midlife crisis but despite 30-plus years as a therapist I’ve only had a handful of people arrive and ask me: “Am I having a midlife crisis?” So why could this “diagnosis” be popular with your partner but likely to put your back up?

How do you successfully navigate your 40s and 50s

– and what makes the middle passage so treacherous? At first sight, the solution seems relatively straightforward. You need to answer three questions. However, these are really difficult questions and the answers have wide-reaching implications. So what are they?

Who am I?

What gives my life meaning?

What are my values? (As opposed to my parents, society, the church or all “right-thinking” people…)

These questions are particularly pertinent at the midlife point. There is a dawning realisation that if we are not immortal then we should live our life – not the one expressly laid out by our parents, or the one we chose to make them proud and love us.

Unfortunately, these are not questions that can be answered in a weekend workshop or by reading one book. AGM

Ask yourself: ‘who am I? What gives my life meaning? What are my values?’

HALF WAY THERE Middle age has long been seen as a difficult period of life