LETTER OF THE WEEK

Dear Richard A once precious and supportive friendship is turning sour

Why is it that I have such negative thoughts about my friend, who supported me through my divorce?

Things have settled down between my ex and me. But recently, especially since my father’s death, my friend seems to feel the need to patronise and talk down to me.

I have moved on from the really bad times, barring a few hiccups, but she still treats me as if I were a child with a sore knee. She is so well-meaning, but I find that when we’re together I can feel myself growing angrier and angrier.

I do not want to fall out with her, and I value what she has done for me – but lately I have come to dread her calls. How can I tell her how I feel without burning my boats with her?

KATE, VIE EMAIL

Dear Kate

This is obviously a straightforward case of poor communication. Your well-meaning friend isn’t picking up on your signals that, actually, you’ve moved on. That can only be because you’re not transmitting them effectively.

So many friendships founder on the rocks of misunderstanding. Fortunately, yours hasn’t sunk quite yet, but you need to change course swiftly, otherwise it will. You’re already experiencing powerful waves of anger; leave it much longer and they’ll swamp you both.

If your friend isn’t getting the message that you’re all right now, then you need to be more explicit. Sit her down, give her a drink, and tell her you want to say two things. First, how deeply grateful you are to have her in your life. She’s been staunch, loyal and, to use that overworked expression, “there for you”.

Then tell her that – in no small part thanks to that support – you’ve turned a corner. Say you weren’t sure for a while that you genuinely had, but now you’re certain. You’re over it. Smile and tell her that from now on, you can both talk of other, more interesting things. There’s no further need to rake over the ashes of the past. They’re cold.

If she tries to raise the subject after that, either she has a tin ear or her motives for enmeshing herself in a tangled time in your life might be more self-serving than you’d thought. Some people feed off the emotional troubles of others. Let’s hope she’s not one of them.