THE TRAPS COUPLES FALL INTO

PROBLEM + POOR COMMUNICATION + TEMPTATION = AFFAIR

I must have heard millions of arguments in my years of counselling couples. In many ways the sticking point is not the topic but the way that people fight. Time and again, I have observed six common traps into which couples fall. In each case, I have one simple solution that can turn it around.

NOT REALLY LISTENING

I often see people waiting for the other person to finish, rehearsing their answer, but not really listening. Turn this around by summarising what your partner has just said. Use as many of his or her words as possible to show you have truly understood. This is reflective listening.

MAKING ASSUMPTIONS

Particularly after an affair, it is likely that both you and your partner will have drawn conclusions about each other’s behaviour that are at best only partially true and possibly a complete fabrication, such as: “You can’t give up that woman/ man.” The best way to turn this around is to turn statements into questions. Good questions start with who, why, where, what, how. Questions elicit answers and conversation whereas assumptions (and accusations) encourage defensiveness and are likely to close the conversation down.

CROSS COMPLAINING

Your partner says: “You didn’t support me when your mother was disrespectful.” You throw more fuel on to the fire by responding: “You have been so wound up with work that you have neglected the children.” Turn this around by not going for a “win”. Even if you did somehow “prove” that your partner is in the wrong you have achieved nothing more than a few seconds of satisfaction. Meanwhile, your partner is feeling alienated and angry.

SKIPPING TO ACTION

Nobody likes arguing. So the temptation is to wrap things up as quickly as possible with a solution. Staying with the motherin-law example, perhaps she had commented on the aftermath of the affair – so you promise: “I will not ask her to say anything again.” Unfortunately, by closing down the conversation your partner does not feel truly heard. Ultimately it is more powerful to talk and to listen. So instead, try to explore and understand before you move on to an action. Ask questions like: “What did you find particularly upsetting?” or

“What would you like me to have done?”.

CHECKING OUT

It often feels safer to walk away or stay but close down during an argument. In the short term this can work, but nothing gets resolved. Turn this around by staying in the “crucible of conflict” for a little bit – even five minutes – longer.

NOT BEING ASSERTIVE

When it comes to disagreements, there are three ways of solving disputes. You could believe: my needs, wants and beliefs are of lesser importance and yours are of greater importance. You hope that by pleasing other people they will return the favour. I call this being passive. I call being the opposite of this being “domineering”. There is a third way. I call it being assertive: my needs, wants and beliefs are important and so are yours. They are equally important. The mantra for this is: “I can ask, you can say no, and we can negotiate.” It sounds easy, but it could be a revolution in your life.

Extracts from Why Did I Cheat? Help Your Partner (And Yourself ) Recover From Your Affair by Andrew G Marshall, £12.99

‘Ask questions, which will yield answers, rather than making assumptions or accusations which will encourage defensiveness’