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How to be a boss at ageing
Midlife can be cause for celebration, not crisis, if you have the right attitude, according to author Anniki Sommerville. Here, introducing extracts from her book, she talks to Joan McFadden
“My dad died suddenly on March 27 last year and I was devastated,” says Anniki Sommerville, a former marketing executive. “Losing a parent made me wonder what my life has been about, especially since I was in my late 40s, a time when you reassess where your life is headed.”
That reassessment is the inspiration behind How to Be a Boss at Ageing: Real Advice on How to Navigate and Embrace Mid-Life. It’s a comprehensive, entertaining look at what Sommerville believes to be the final frontier for many women. It helps that Sommerville, who is 48, is in the same position as many of those she hopes will enjoy the book. She lives in London with her partner Paul and their two small daughters, and spent lockdown doing the home schooling/ work juggle, while struggling with bereavement and trying to make sense of this new way of life.
“Paul and I share chores and childcare but early in lockdown I kept hearing about women carrying a heavier load and I wondered how it came to this,” she says.
“My generation was brought up to believe we can have it all. We have so much ambition and really high expectations. By the time you’re in your 40s you feel you should have the life you’ve been trying to land all along. It’s a real challenge, knowing you want to take stock and consider what lies ahead, but not really having the time to do so.”
With many of us feeling we’ve aged 10 years during lockdown, Sommerville’s book couldn’t have come at a better time. It’s also part of a new, more nuanced view of middle age for women.
“Things have moved on in the past 10 years regarding awareness of the physical, cognitive and social challenges for women as they progress through life,” says clinical
psychologist Dr Rachel Andrew. “How the ageing process is perceived generally has changed, although there are always individual circumstances to consider. Women approaching midlife have more resources and support available regarding perimenopause and menopause, and generally are speaking more about this time of change. It’s different from our parents’ and grandparents’ generation, and will be again for our children’s generation.”
The experiences that Sommerville details are both poignant and funny, looking at how life evolved from her teens and through her 20s and 30s to shape who she is in her 40s. “Women are better placed to make demands now but we’re still raised from a young age to see other women as competition, especially in relation to looks,” she says.
“I sometimes scroll through ‘sidebar of shame’-type reporting and feel really guilty, especially since I have two girls and wonder whether that competition between women will still exist as they grow up and what it means for them. What’s worse is that the majority of that type of criticism comes from other women, rather than men, especially when it comes to ageing. Why are women putting other women under the spotlight when they wouldn’t do the same to men?”
Dr Andrew says: “During lockdown, I’ve noticed women, from 30 to 60 especially, feeling more anxiety and guilt due to the increased pressure to balance family and work, along with instability of income and the threat of becoming unwell. They think, ‘Am I good enough? Are others doing this better than me?’ Women’s competition with each other reflects the insecurity that we all have at times, that we’re not living up to a perceived idealised perception of how we ‘should’ be.”
Due to Sommerville’s concern about this, the prevailing feeling in her book is one of kindness. “People being snide really bothers me,” she says, “We have to stop that and it’s up to women to set the tone. Every time Carol Vorderman is in the papers I’m bothered yet again by some comment about her ‘incredibly smooth complexion’ or ‘youthful appearance’. The accomplishments of this brilliant mathematician are being ignored and instead a dig is being made at her having work done.”
She surveyed more than 350 women to find out exactly what bothered them about growing older and found many concerns were around lack of information at all stages of life. “As a teenager you’re never told that fertility may be an issue and all the emphasis is on not getting pregnant,” she says. “We need to talk more about the different stages of life, like the exhaustion that comes with parenting, the times when your sex life suffers, the pressure that work can put your personal relationships, the perimenopause – who knew? – and the aches and pains that come as you get older.”
There has been much chat in lockdown around male and female roles, those that stayed depressingly traditional as well as those showing equality at its best. Sommerville considers attitudes to ageing as the final frontier, which has yet to be approached fairly. We have many positive female role models in their 50s, 60s and well beyond, but she still feels that more is expected of them than of men. “This book was written mainly with women in mind yet there are some parts of it that can apply to men and women alike,” she says. “It would be good to have a book written for men, especially since the dynamics for men in their 40s have also changed and they have different pressures.”
Many women in midlife grew up with the idea that if they worked hard enough they could have it all. “If you haven’t, you could start to think, ‘What’s wrong with me?’ rather than question the message as a whole,” says Dr Andrew. “Learning where our ideas have come from, how we might challenge them or just familiarise ourselves with them, lets us sit with the discomfort of them without needing to act. Knowing we have choices, can be key.”
Sommerville is the first to admit that having these conversations isn’t easy, especially when it comes to intimate and revealing information. “I’ll happily reference sex and make throwaway remarks and then realise that can involve Paul,” she says. “While he’s totally supportive of my writing and research, he is quite uncomfortable if I make it about us. In the book I’m talking about some of the most private and intense situations we can find ourselves in as we start ageing. I want to provoke these conversations so people know they’re not alone, but at the same time I don’t want anyone to feel exposed. It’s tricky to get the balance right.”
In the six extracts that follow, Sommerville shares her thoughts and tips on how to embrace your 40s and beyond. She hopes they’ll be as cathartic to read as they were to write: “We all keep on running, running, running through life. Then lockdown forced us all to stop and appreciate so many things we took for granted. How to Be a Boss at Ageing is about looking forward, being ready for what’s ahead and enjoying life, rather than sprinting through it. Can we make the last lap the best one?”
How to Be a Boss at Ageing: Real Advice on How to Navigate and Embrace Midlife by Anniki Sommerville is published by Thread on March 31
‘Women’s competition with each other reflects the insecurity that we’re not living up to an ideal’