Dear ‘Blindsided’

A

Well, you feel betrayed because you were betrayed. You were lied to, repeatedly and consistently. There’s nothing wrong or self-indulgent about being distressed by that.

However, stepping back, it seems to me there might be a couple of mitigating factors. Firstly, the deceptions began when your relationship was fractured and interrupted by the considerable distance and forced separations involved. That’s not to justify the betrayals, but circumstances should perhaps be taken into account.

Your husband – your fiancé as he was then – fell into temptation when the pair of you were divided by a wide ocean and five time zones. He wasn’t sneaking out of your house at night or lying about having to go on business trips. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not excusing his cheating – just trying to place it in context.

Secondly, he obviously deeply regrets his behaviour now. You say he’s working his socks off to save his marriage, and doing it through concrete action, not easy words. I also think it’s significant that you say you still love him very much: you certainly don’t imply that you hate him for what he did.

So I believe there are grounds for cautious optimism. But as to whether you’ll ever be your “old self ” again: I very much doubt it, I’m afraid.

Life events change us, permanently. We’re shaped by them and it’s how we adapt that matters. You ask how you can move on: I honestly think that you have to allow the passage of time to do that for you.

So I’d advise setting a notional date in your diary (say, six months from now); a point where you can pause and take stock of your emotional state. Make some notes now about how you feel at the moment, so you can make an accurate comparison with your feelings later, and judge whether you’re making progress.

Meanwhile, the last thing you should do is somehow blame yourself for losing trust in this man. Of course you have. But remember – it’s up to him to restore it. Not you.

I feel conned into marriage, robbed of the happiness I felt during our engagement