WHAT TO DO if you’re UNHAPPY with your SEX LIFE

I hate my body most days. When I get out of the shower, I often recall the scene in Game of Thrones when Melisandre – the Red Woman – morphs into an ancient naked woman revealing that she is in fact thousands of years old. I know that I shouldn’t feel bad, that it’s the patriarchy, that it’s ageism, but I can’t escape the feeling that I’d just be happier if I had longer legs and was a size 10.

Dr Karen Gurney, a clinical psychologist, psychosexologist and director at The Havelock Clinic, told me concerns about body image are the number one distraction for women during sex that interferes with their arousal and pleasure. Number two is being stuck in a rut. Often in long-term relationships, we tend to keep having sex in the same way (if we’re having it at all). Dr Gurney feels it’s important to try different things and be open to changing the dynamic and kind of sex you have.

“If you’ve only had slow, tender sex for 15 years it can feel so difficult to do something different,” she says. “But the truth is, we are all different people sexually on different days, and we need to be able to play those different roles.”

The best way to normalise this is to have a yearly sexual relationship conversation where you talk about what’s going well and what you’d like more of. It could be spending one evening a month just kissing for hours and nothing else, or it could mean banning penetrative sex to every other time you’re sexual together, but it will mean that your sex life is always changing, not stagnating.

I’ve always found that if I incorporate Dr Gurney’s tips into my life, my relationship improves. This doesn’t mean you have to have sex a certain number of times a year to be deemed “OK” but if you feel like your sex life isn’t great, then it’s good to think about why that is and slowly move towards a state that is more satisfying.