MY ANTI-STYLE ADVICE for OLDER WOMEN

As you get into your 40s you start to notice articles about things that are permissible for you to wear and things that aren’t. You know, the ones that say you can’t wear miniskirts and you should only show off your arms if you work out and have good hands that haven’t aged and if you don’t work out, then you should wear a kaftan, but not any kaftan, an incredibly expensive one, not one from the Judi Dench range because you’re not that old, but one from another boutique, but don’t wear sandals because you’re too old for sandals, but you can wear sandals if they’re 200 quid and if Victoria Beckham has worn them, but maybe don’t wear them because there is nothing worse than old feet/hands/ arms/legs/chest, so best not to wear anything or go anywhere because NOBODY WANTS TO SEE A DISGUSTING OLD WOMAN. CAN’T YOU GET THE MESSAGE?

So here are some ‘anti-tips’ for those of you that hate fashion tips for older women

► Dungarees are great, as are boiler suits and jumpsuits. In the summer I wear long skirts but can’t wear shorts as they make me look like Dennis the Menace.

► If I read one more article about “the classic white shirt” I will explode. The classic white shirt only exists if you have no children, never come into contact with any mess and are driven by a chauffeur who feeds you through a straw.

► Dress for women. Men don’t notice what you’re wearing unless you’re dressed in black rubber hot-pants.

► Wearing draped cardigans ages you, as do linen and kaftans (but it’s fine as long as you’re aware of that).

► Beware of linen – even if it is hot and summer. Linen is not kind to big arses.

► Give up trying to look like Kate Moss.

► Wear colour. But not if you don’t like it.

► Stop hunting for the perfect pair of jeans. Do other stuff instead, like volunteering or picking up rubbish in your local park.

► Trainers are a good way to signal that you still have your hand in, fashion-wise.

► Wear clothes that make you happy.

► Beware the “wacky old lady” fashion thing where you wear bright glasses and earrings and shoes (i.e. Su Pollard, unless you aspire to be Su Pollard).

► Do the “wacky old lady” thing, because frankly, who cares?

► Ditch heels. Or wear them if you like them.

► Ignore all fashion advice.