Shane Watson brings you the definitive Summer 2021 Weird Crush Update

From random dads to 50-something actors, this is the summer of the weird crush

Cast your mind back to Sunday (no not that) and the Wimbledon men’s finals. Out on Centre Court, Djokovic and Berrettini were giving it their thwumping best but, while Novak was playing his socks off, Matteo was doing it all looking like a Dolce & Gabbana “aqua di caldo” model, only taller.

Not for a very long time (maybe ever?) has there been a tennis player to make us swoon like this one: he’s 6ft 5in, he’s 25, he has gold chains! Look at his smile! Look at his hands!

There is no doubt that he would be number one on our crush list, if it hadn’t been for Tom Cruise, popping up in the royal box, drawing our crush fire. Cruise has been turning up to all the big calendar fixtures this month, always wearing a natty suit and RayBans, sometimes fist bumping his pal David Beckham, sometimes escorting his female co-stars, smiling and gesturing, mainly pointing. (By the way, have you noticed how exaggerated hands have become compulsory for people in the public eye? We have never seen the Queen move hers, other than to shake another’s, but when William and Harry were briefly reunited for the unveiling of Diana’s statue, their hands were working like signers on speed: stomach patting, tray carrying, “this big” demonstrating. Hand gestures are now officially a way of maximising your presence and looking looser than the other guy).

Anyway. Tom is 59 years old, still 5ft 7in, looking a little puffy in the face (Tom’s lawyers: this could be an allergic reaction, no one is mentioning cosmetic procedures) and yet, in the space of a week, we’re Tom Cruise crazy all over again.

The annual oddness updates, the rantings on set, the S-word, all of it has been forgotten, along with gorgeous Berrettini, because we’re in the mood for old pros, sharp dressers, cool heads, kind dads, and steely positivity.

We’ve had a very weird year and have weird requirements of our crushes who, for this summer anyway, will not conform to the normal “nice bums and bedroom eyes” rules.

Tom Cruise, the epitome of the older weird crush, has been drawing our attention away from, well, frankly, younger men