LETTER OF THE WEEK

Dear Richard

My ex is sending me crazed, threatening emails

QI had a very intense relationship for a year and a half with a woman of a similar age to me – she moved in with me months before the first lockdown. Like me, she has children.

In January I decided I had to end the relationship. She kept having episodes where she would verbally attack me and fly into a fury: she would falsely accuse me of all sorts of horrible things and insult me and my family in attempts to render maximum hurt. The trigger would be something minor and innocent – it was like walking through a minefield.

You might ask why I didn’t end it earlier. She had a lovely “A” side – we had great ideas for a shared future, and on happy days it felt like a wonderful relationship. And I hoped that, if I offered her a stable loving home life after a difficult childhood and marriage, these episodes would decline – she said she was getting therapy. But instead they continued in intensity and frequency. I also found out she had a talent for lying – she told me that her bank account had been hacked so, for about 16 months, I paid for all our shared costs. This turned out to be untrue.

Since she moved out, I’ve had messages that switch between “I love you; I miss you; you are the love of my life; you are amazing; I need your help” and “I hate you; you are a sociopath; you are a predator; you destroyed my career; I will sue you”.

She doesn’t get it – I have had enough of the drama, the hurt and the stress. I have blocked her phone number but she keeps on bombarding me with messages and emails (sometimes ten a day). The relationship is broken and it is not salvageable. I gave it my best shot and it simply didn’t work. How do I get it through to her that it’s over – for good?

– Fred, via email

Dear Fred

AIf your only points of contact with this person are “virtual” ones – ie she’s not knocking on your door at all hours of the day, but emails, WhatsApps or otherwise messages you – then you need to change your email address. If texts are still getting through on your phone, the same goes for your phone number too.

This isn’t as disruptive as it might sound. A couple of years ago a very odd stranger got hold of my phone number and began bombarding me daily with multiple weird calls. When I blocked them, they just used different phones – presumably so-called “burners”, cheap and simple mobiles. So I changed my number. I made a list of everyone I wanted to have the new one and texted or called them, explaining the situation and explicitly asking them not to give the new number to anyone without checking with me first.

You should do this immediately. Then change your email address, following

I’ve had messages that switch between ‘I love you’ and ‘you are a sociopath’

exactly the same procedure. Friends who have done the latter tell me that it’s a bit like a spring clean: at a stroke you clear out people and organisations you really don’t need or want to hear from any more. It’s quite liberating, apparently.

If your ex then sends you communications in the post, either return them unopened or drop them in the bin – unopened. Don’t be tempted to read them.

Do not feel guilty about any of this. You are fully entitled to end a relationship that is making you stressed, unhappy and unfulfilled, and also to protect yourself from subsequent unwanted, unsolicited and unwelcome pursuit.

If your ex goes on to pester you in person, warn her in a solicitor’s letter that she is stalking you and you will report her to the police if she doesn’t stop.

Sorry if all this sounds a bit root and branch, Fred, but you did ask, and I think the time for half measures has passed.