Agony Uncle

The author and broadcaster answers your questions. Write to DearRichard@ telegraph.co.uk Dear Richard

I’m worried that my son-in-law is drinking too much

Q

My son-in-law is 40 and is a laidback, friendly chap of a somewhat shy disposition. He is in charge of a medium-sized company’s computer systems, which can be stressful at times. Ordinarily, he doesn’t say a lot unless spoken to.

He’s always enjoyed a drink, mostly lager; having a couple allowed him to relax, open up and have a laugh. Some years back he developed a prominent beer belly, and he decided to cut back and slim down, which he did most effectively.

However, in recent years he has developed an interest in whiskies, researching all the distilleries and brands like a wine buff. The belly is back and, in my view, he is drinking far too much.

I would like to try and talk to him about this problem in fairly forthright terms, so he takes it seriously. But I don’t want to spoil our friendly relationship. How should I proceed?

– Brian, Yorks

Dear Brian

A

Hmm. You haven’t given me much to go on here. Son-in-law used to drink lager and stopped because it was giving him a pot belly. Cut back and slimmed down. Later developed a connoisseur’s interest in whiskies. The belly is back.

Is that it? What about behaviour? Work? His relationship with your daughter? Have you actually seen him inebriated, or is it just his tummy that you’re taking as evidence that he’s drinking too much? If you have more proof than that, why haven’t you told me in your letter?

Given this paucity of evidence, I can only suggest you do one of two things – or both. Have a quiet word with your daughter, and ask the obvious questions. If she’s surprised or offended, then let that be your cue to ease off and try to stop worrying.

If you are still concerned after that, though, or if you find that she shares your concerns, then call Alcoholics Anonymous, lay all you know or suspect before them, and take their advice. Confidentiality will be 100 per cent guaranteed and either they will put your mind at rest or advise you what to do next. If you have held anything back from me, don’t do the same with them. Information is power. Empower them to help you do the right thing, Brian.

Dear Richard How can I tell someone in my language class that she’s too good for the rest of us?

Q

I organise a voluntary conversation group, which meets in a café to practise and improve our Spanish. We have a happy, sociable and convivial time for an hour every fortnight. Nearly all of us have learned Spanish, mainly in later life, in England.

One person in the group was brought up in Spain by Spanish parents. She speaks fluently, as you’d expect, and very quickly, but quite indistinctly. Consequently she is very difficult for us non-natives to understand. This is spoiling the group for the other members, and eventually I’m afraid people will vote with their feet and cease to come.

I don’t know how I can raise this diplomatically with this person: obviously it’s not my place to criticise her Spanish, and I imagine our sessions are a rare opportunity for her to use the language of her birth.

– Annie, via email

Dear Annie

A

I really don’t think this is at all difficult or complicated, and there’s not the slightest need to risk causing offence by criticising this person’s Spanish. Whether she’s mumbling, speaking too fast or using a vocabulary that’s wider than the group can keep up with, the issue is that she’s a native Spanish speaker and the rest of you aren’t.

So just take her to one side and quietly explain that the rest of the group would really appreciate it if she could bear that in mind, and make a special effort to speak more slowly and more distinctly.

How could she object to such a polite request? I spend a fair bit of time in France (well, I did before Covid) and my French is, let us say, rudimentary. When someone speaks too quickly for me I don’t hesitate to ask them: “Parlez lentement, s’il vous plaît! Mon francais est limité!” No one ever minds at all. Why should they? Why should your friend?

Just be straight with her, Annie, and I’m sure she’ll play straight with you.

¡Buena suerte!