Could therapy put your family together again?

The pandemic has brought more tension into many homes, and often what’s needed is a safe space for honest conversations. Jenny Tucker hears from households who turned to therapists

Most families are complicated and fragile entities. Prone to outbursts, usually entangled and often blinkered around their own defects, they love, hate and tolerate. “But when families become curious about themselves, they are open to change,” says Lorraine Davies-Smith, a systemic psychotherapist. “Most of us live on autopilot, caught up in simply coping, but if we can stop and consider more deeply what is going on, amazing progress can happen.”

And with the backdrop of Covid-19, most of us could do with a shift in thinking around our own altered family dynamics. Some families have lived apart while longing for connection; others have been forced together and soured by resentment. Whatever the scenario, there can be big consequences.

Often, when people are in pain, they lash out at loved ones and the impact can be devastating. A family therapist can really help. Highly specialised, they focus on the social systems within families, helping members explore how these structures interlink and influence behaviour, and understand the patterns that may be contributing to conflict.

Ragni Whitlock, a family psychotherapist, says: “While we might be experts in our field, we would never claim to be experts on a family’s individual situation. My role is not to tell them what to do but to help them gain insight for themselves. It’s about having an open dialogue to reveal what might be going on.”

In her podcast series, A Living Loss, psychotherapist Julia Samuel says: “Families can love deeply but there can also be a dislocation in communication.” When a safe space is provided and trust in the therapist established, people can feel more comfortable having those difficult conversations. “We take a non-blaming approach,” adds Whitlock. “If something negative is going on, I am interested in how each member of the family feels about it. I might ask a mum, why do you think your son is sad? Or I might ask the son, what do you think your mum would say about your sadness? I act as the facilitator, which not only gives each member a chance to speak, but they also get to hear the perspective of others.”

Julia Matthews, a family and systemic psychotherapist, adds: “When one person shares their story, the others take on an audience position and are able to listen deeply. It’s completely different to sitting around the dinner table at home, where someone might be disregarded, or tempers may flare. Often, as therapists, we are dealing with highly emotive issues. It could be a revelation that someone feels they can’t say or another member can’t bear to hear; families then live in denial or secrecy. It’s important to manage those big emotions and encourage each person to address their situation in a safe and calm manner. It takes real bravery to say something difficult out loud, but simply voicing can create powerful positive change.”

There is no magic wand. Embedded behaviour can be difficult to shift, and most of the hard work needs to be done by the families themselves. Yet Whitlock believes even the smallest changes can have an ongoing positive effect. “I think about Gregory Bateson, an anthropologist who wrote a book in the early 1970s called Steps to an Ecology of Mind. He talked about a ‘difference that makes a difference’. With my clients, it might be the slightest difference in their conduct, understanding or mindset, but it ends up being hugely significant to the family’s overall happiness. That’s a successful outcome.” Maybe the difference that happens today is finding the courage to schedule that first appointment at the therapist’s practice. You never know, it could change your family’s future for the better.

‘When one person shares their story, the others take on an audience position’