Is there a health gap in your marriage?

If couples who exercise together stay together, what happens when one goes off-track? Fiona Gibson finds out

We all know those couples, don’t we? There’s the running duo, scampering through the park – part human, part gazelle – and the cycling twosome, radiating vitality. There’s the yoga-loving couple and the pair out walking their dog, as brighteyed as their spaniel as they sip their coconut water.

The benefits of a shared approach to health and fitness are well documented. According to a survey by retailer Decathlon, 51 per cent of couples who exercise together claim it has a positive effect on their relationship, reducing stress levels and even lessening the amount of rows they have. Even if they exercise separately – favouring different activities, or valuing a bit of time away from each other – having similar fitness goals has numerous benefits.

However, as the years roll by, couples often find that they are no longer in sync. Perhaps one partner, newly inspired to get fit, is forever darting off for their run and leaving the other missing their Netflix companion. And how does a couple navigate suppertime when one favours a crunchy salad while the other feels cheated if their pizza doesn’t come with a stuffed crust?

“It’s a common issue,” says fitness expert James Davis, co-host of The Midlife Mentors podcast (themidlifementors.com),

who adds, “this is the time of life when we’d probably be expected to feel finally sorted, but often the opposite is true. There may be pressures from work, family or having ageing parents. At midlife there’s often an awful lot of evaluating going on.”

All of which can affect our motivation and, on a practical level, the amount of time and energy we devote to our own wellbeing. “It’s easy to see how couples drift apart,” Davis points out. “If one partner is committed to bettering themselves, the other can at best feel ambivalent and, at worst, resentful. It can shine an uncomfortable light on your own behaviours as there is literally nowhere to hide.”

It’s not uncommon for the sofabound spouse to try and sabotage their partner’s efforts – which brings to mind a couple I know, where the man teases his wife for being “a running bore”, feigning yawns if she expresses enthusiasm about Parkrun starting up again. Might he be envious of her toned physique? Of the enjoyment she clearly derives from her running community? Conversely, I know a woman who frequently prods at her (mildly) overweight husband’s stomach, guffawing: “Look at the gut on that.” As he laughs it off I always wonder how she would react if the tables were turned.

There’s also the issue of resentment when one partner is able to focus on their own wellbeing while, for the other, it’s simply impossible. “It’s often the man who’s able to keep up with his fitness,” says senior therapist Sally Baker, “because, generally speaking, they are better at prioritising their own needs.” She cites the example of “his paragliding apparatus crammed into the car on the annual family holiday

‘He was jealous of my new-found confidence. Meanwhile, I was happier than ever’

with everyone squashed up to accommodate it.” Meanwhile, she adds, “a put-upon partner may have fallen into a state of quiet desperation. It’s easy to slip into a pattern of overeating for comfort or self-medicating with alcohol.”

And so the health-gap widens, with the active partner’s fitness levels continuing to rise and the sedentary one feeling – literally – left behind.

For Sara-Jane Lewis, 37, from Clanfield in Hampshire, her own dramatic health transformation brought her marriage into sharp focus. “Four years ago, after having two babies, I was overweight and unhappy. My husband wasn’t particularly supportive when I decided to do something about it. I started tracking my steps and sticking to 1,800 calories a day, and in three months I’d lost over 40 pounds.

“I asked my husband to come to the gym with me but he was dismissive. It only made me more determined to succeed as I felt he wanted me to fail.” As her fitness increased, Sarah-Jane learnt how to front-crawl at the local pool and joined a triathlon club. Along came new friends, which caused conflict: “He was jealous of these friendships and my new-found confidence. Meanwhile, I was happier than ever and it had become glaringly obvious that there were big issues in our relationship.”

To Sarah-Jane, who has set up a holistic therapy practice at sj-lewis. com, the gap had become a chasm. “I made the decision to end the marriage,” she says, “as I couldn’t see how a future together was possible.”

Of course, not all health-gap couples break up, and many achieve a mutually tolerant equilibrium of sorts. But it’s clear that in some cases the issues are more complex than irritation at being a golf widow, or money that’s spent on gym membership. “If one person is passively watching while the other does their activity, then resentment can creep in,” says psychologist Sarah Gregg. “Being engaged in activities together is often about so much more than fitness. It’s about talking and feeling connected, which is going to make you feel closer.”

Perhaps those Lycra-clad cycling couples know a thing or two after all.

I KNOW HE’D LOVE US TO DO MORE TOGETHER BUT I’M NOT A STRONG SWIMMER Helen Birch, 56, is a knitting pattern tech editor, and her husband Andrew, 57, is a milkman. They live in Falmouth, Cornwall, and have two grown-up children

HELEN:

While I’ve never been sporty, I used to enjoy going out on our tandem with Andrew. Then, just as we were in the process of moving from Yorkshire to Cornwall, lockdown happened. As our new house wasn’t finished I ended up living with our son in Devon, apart from Andrew, for seven months.

It was a really difficult time and my confidence took a real dive. We have a spaniel-collie cross, Bella, and had always enjoyed walking her together. But walking without Andrew to chat to was harder somehow. It’s been difficult to motivate myself and my fitness has suffered as result.

At the same time, Andrew was furloughed back in Yorkshire and went into overdrive, walking and cycling constantly. He lost two stone.

Now we’re in Cornwall he’s got into surfing and paddleboarding. I know he’d love us to do more activities together, but I’m not a strong swimmer and being out of my depth frightens me. With surfing, I’d be worried about being pulled under. The beaches are beautiful and I enjoy a gentle stroll with Bella, and sitting and knitting while Andrew swims.

I would like to get out on the tandem again as we really enjoyed it. I just need to get my confidence back. But watersports? No, thank you.

ANDREW:

I start work at 2am six days a week so I enjoy getting out in the afternoons when I’ve finished. Paddleboarding is so tranquil and it’s a surprisingly good workout, too. I’ve always been active and have joined a cycling club here in Falmouth. But I don’t want to spend my one day off cycling or I’d hardly see Helen. It’s more important to spend time together.

I would love her to do these things with me and not just for my own enjoyment. Helen’s whole working day can be spent in our little back room, which she uses as an office. I encourage her to get out at least for a walk, just for some fresh air. I’ve also been trying to help her with swimming until she feels more confident. At first, she panicked and was scared to take her feet off the bottom, but we’re making some progress.

I’d never push her to do anything she wasn’t comfortable with. We’re taking it at her pace. Helen has a numbercrunching job and it’s not healthy, is it, being stuck indoors all day? But we do enjoy the beach together and I’m sure we’ll manage to get back out on the tandem again one day.

On different paths: midlife couples often find that their fitness goals are no longer aligned