For the past three years, Chris and Louise have been managing a complex situation with their daughter, Lucy, nine

Lucy was in her second year of primary school when her parents first noticed a distinct change in her behaviour. Evidence of obsessive compulsive disorder and specific copying of her elder sister, Stacey, became a daily occurrence. “Things like she wouldn’t leave the house without taking a load of her teddies with her,” says Louise. “Certain things had to be in a particular position or she’d have a meltdown, and she’d mirror her sister’s actions constantly – if Stacey brushed her hair or ate her dinner, Lucy would do exactly the same.”

Looking back, the couple now find it hard to believe that for more than a year they existed in this dysfunctional bubble, barely managing through the days when Lucy would scream at the slightest thing and lash out at her parents when they told her what to do. They later discovered that Lucy had been bullied at school by an older girl, and this may have been the catalyst for her behaviour.

Then as Covid hit and the family moved into lockdown, their situation accelerated. “During the worst periods, we were living in a state of high tension. We talked about Lucy every hour of the day, she ruled the house and her tantrums could kick off at any time,” says Chris.

“She particularly picked on Stacey, biting and kicking her; and she seemed to hate Louise. Obviously, Lucy was too young to articulate her feelings, but this only caused us more frustration and anguish. We literally didn’t know what to do. I’d sometimes lose my temper and put her in her bedroom as a punishment, but she’d go crazy, smashing her room to pieces. It was a living hell.”

With Louise on the verge of a breakdown, the local NHS CAMHS asked its family therapist, Ragni Whitlock, to see the couple. “Because Lucy was too young to manage therapy, my focus was on supporting the parents,” says Whitlock. “I explained that Lucy’s OCD tendencies were telling us that she was highly anxious. If Louise and Chris could work together to stay calm and in control, they modelled to Lucy how to cope better. Plus, if parents are a strong team, it makes it harder for a child to divide and rule.”

Initially, small steps were put in place to keep Lucy’s behaviour in check. Whitlock suggested the parents talk to Lucy about her conduct when she was more relaxed and to set expectations for the future – for example, to “make an announcement” that her dominating approach was not going to happen any more. “This tells the child that parents are the ones who decide how the situation might play out,” says Whitlock. “Of course, this may not be accepted at first, but therapy helps the parents to feel deeply supported as they instigate change. My aim is to ultimately empower the whole family to work together as a team.”

Chris says the family will be forever indebted to the therapy. “For the first time, we felt understood. There wasn’t any judgment of our situation, and after years of feeling like the worst parents, we have been given hope. Lucy still has her OCD rituals, but she is learning how to manage better, and we have developed coping strategies, too.”

The family have recently cut their therapy sessions down to once a month, and there is a plan for Lucy to start attending now she is older. A successful holiday in Scotland a couple of months ago encouraged Louise to believe that “I have my loving daughter back”.

‘My aim is to empower the whole family to work together as a team’