I secretly subsidised our son’s career

WI am convinced he’ll make it – he just needs to get his feet firmly on the ground

hile our oldest and youngest sons are following very traditional career paths, our middle son is an actor. My wife has never understood his choice, so I haven’t felt able to tell her that I’ve been underwriting it for 10 years. Now, I either have to own up to my wife, or let my son down.

We were all very proud when he got into a prestigious drama school. My wife thought that getting onto the course would guarantee him landing major roles. The rest of us understood that although this was a major step, acting is a precarious career and it takes huge dedication and hard work.

He’d been out of drama school for two months when she started going on about him getting a proper job. He’s always worked hard doing shift work in hospitality – jobs he can do round auditions and acting work – but that’s not enough for her. We’ve discussed it countless times and she simply doesn’t understand that his passion is acting. He’s willing to do any hard minimum-wage work to try to make his passion come true.

I’ve worked in banking all my life and appreciate the financial rewards, but it didn’t set my soul on fire. His brothers have similar professions and enjoy making money, but if he goes into a job like that it’ll be the end of any acting dreams. His mum doesn’t get that. She stopped work when the boys were born and has never gone back. Security and money mean a great deal to her, and she wants that for him.

My feeling is, if I don’t have faith in him, who will? One day we’ll both be gone and he and his brothers will inherit whatever we have, so he won’t be penniless – but by then it will be too late to follow his heart.

After a certain point he stopped coming home as much because my wife just couldn’t let the subject go and was never delighted at any of his successes. I couldn’t bear that, so I had a chat with him and said I’d quietly pay his rent so he could stay in London where he’s most likely to get work.

He carried on with his other jobs, but he was so grateful. That money stopped him worrying every month and I honestly think it made him more confident, as he was getting more acting work. I’m convinced he’ll make it – he just needs to get his feet firmly on the ground.

Since I started subsidising him, my wife thinks he must be doing quite well in acting, so she’s stopped nagging. Last year, however, practically all his work disappeared – acting and non-acting. He moved back home and my wife was so sympathetic. He’s hoping to return to London soon to try acting again, with her total blessing, which is lovely for all of us. Except I’m now retired and can’t afford any secret subsidies.

He can’t afford London without help, so I’m in a bind. If I suggest we give him some help, she could go back to the old nagging ways. If we don’t help, there’s no way he can cope. I’m never telling her how much I’ve given him already, but maybe proposing we give all the boys a lump sum could buy him another year’s security to follow his dream. If only I knew how to break it to her.