LETTER OF THE WEEK

Dear Richard A year has passed but I haven’t been able to grieve for my husband

Q

Over a year ago, my beloved husband died after contracting Covid-19. He was in his 80s, but hale and hearty, and we were very happy together.

At the time I was simply quite numb with grief and rage. I hadn’t been able to hold his hand in his last days, and the “funeral” was like something out of a science fiction film, with none of our family or many friends able to attend. But afterwards I believed the constraints of the pandemic were actually helping me, as I didn’t need to put on a brave face and return to social life, and the family were supportive at a distance but I didn’t have to put them up.

Now as we begin to do normal things again, if in a far from normal way, I have started suffering from terrible anxiety and even guilt. I have been strong-armed into a family holiday with my children and grandchildren, and I dread having to “perform” for them. I go to the shops and I can only think of the things I used to buy when my husband was alive. Calling in on a friend feels like a betrayal of his memory. It is as if he died yesterday, not well over a year ago.

Must I just accept that I have lost a year of the grieving process and take things slowly for a few months? I confess that part of me wants to be out and about again – except that nothing feels right when I attempt this.

–Chloe, via email

Dear Chloe

AIf only there was a handbook for coping with grief. What to expect in week one. To do in month two. To manage in year three.

Grief may be a universal experience, but it’s a uniquely individual one, too. We’re pretty much on our own. Of course we can expect and should rely on the support of loved ones, but we plough our own furrow, don’t we, Chloe?

Covid and the savage restrictions it placed on funeral arrangements and mourning generally has forcibly deferred much of your own grieving process. So yes, the simple answer is that you have “lost” a year, and you can take it as easy as you want for as long as you need. But you can take some comfort – albeit a cold one – from the fact that many thousands of others are going through a very similar experience.

In terms of what happens now, I think you can allow yourself to trust your loved ones. They will surely appreciate that this has been an exceptionally awful experience for you; in their way, they will be sharing in a portion of your grief – and your frustration at not having been able to express it.

You say that you have

You say a part of you wants to be ‘out and about again’. Well, go with that flow

been “strong-armed” into going on a family holiday, but may I gently suggest that’s putting it a little harshly? Your nearest and dearest probably feel it’s time you were “taken out of yourself ” – even though in prospect that seems a bit challenging to you. I am certain that they don’t and won’t expect you to “perform” for them. That’s not why they have invited you. They love you and want you to be happy and healing.

My advice is to focus on the emotion you confess to in the last sentence of your letter to me. You say that a part of you wants to be “out and about again”. Well, go with that flow, just for the period you’re away with your family. There will be time enough for you to resume your “lost year” of the grieving process when you get home.

I know it all seems horribly tangled right now, Chloe. But as a very wise friend of mine used to say: “If it wasn’t complicated, it wouldn’t be life.” Try and enjoy your holiday as much as you can and celebrate and take strength from the love that quite obviously surrounds you.