Agony Uncle

The author and broadcaster answers your questions. Write to DearRichard@ telegraph.co.uk

Dear Richard

How can I induce my son to remember my birthday?

Q

My son is a police officer, married to a teacher. Both are in their forties. They have three young children, my only grandchildren, and their lives are very busy. They live about 300 miles from us so we do not see them often, especially with Covid. It is hard to keep in touch as he works shifts, and when at home, they are all so busy. Technology there is not good, so FaceTime, Zoom and Skype do not work. Emails and texts are usually answered eventually.

All this I can cope with, but he does tend to forget my birthday. I do find this hurtful. Not even a card some years. Can you suggest a diplomatic way to ensure he does not keep forgetting? Or do I just give up on him? –Penny, via email

Dear Penny

A

Full disclosure: I am dreadful with birthdays. I always have been. But it doesn’t mean I love my friends and family any the less, and they know that.

Of course, forgetting one’s mother’s birthday is in a slightly different realm of absent-mindedness and I can quite see why it upsets you. In my own case, salvation came years ago when I sat down with my wife and listed every single important birthday date on a special page in my pocket diary. I still keep that diary and refer to it at the beginning of each month. Result: no more forgotten anniversaries. (Well, perhaps the odd one…)

Here’s my advice, Penny. Put in a quiet call to your daughter-in-law. Enlist her help. Ask her if she’d mind reminding your son when your birthday is imminent. Be honest with her; tell her it really upsets you when he forgets. (I’m not being sexist about this; if it was your daughter who kept forgetting, I would suggest that you talk to her husband about it.) You could call your son directly, but that might become an awkward conversation for you both and I just don’t think it’s necessary for you to have it.

Over the years I’ve discussed this issue with friends who also have trouble remembering others’ special days, and there’s a common thread that connects us: we simply don’t consider birthdays – including our own – as being all that important. So it’s nothing personal: it’s just the way our minds are formed.

I hope this helps. In any event, for the next time, from me to you: happy birthday!

Dear Richard I’m tired of my wife using me as her excuse all the time

Q

For years my wife has used me as her excuse for cancelling things or turning up late to places: I took too long to get ready, I had double booked us, I don’t like the heat, I lost the way and so on. I’ve never been wild about this, but there was a kernel of truth to these excuses often enough for them to have some kind of basis in fact.

Lately though she has taken to flatly making things up. A recent example was cancelling lunch with some girl friends because I “wasn’t happy about her going out with the pandemic flaring up again”. I had said nothing of the sort.

Leaving aside the fact that these excuses are made to friends who surely ought to accept her as she is, am I right to feel miffed about this, or should I just accept it?

–Robert, Bucks

Dear Robert

A

Take my arm. Walk with me awhile. Now turn around and view your marriage from a distance. See it in perspective. If this is the worst aspect of your relationship, you’re a lucky man.

Look, I get that being the scapegoat for cancelled appointments and late arrivals is wearing, especially if your wife is upping the ante and using your imagined failings as her convenient excuse more and more often. It sounds to me as if an informal arrangement between the two of you (admittedly not one that you’ve ever been that happy with) is getting out of hand.

So pick your moment and, without heat, ask her to ease up a bit. Point out one or two of the more egregious examples of late, and tell her that it’s beginning to get on your nerves.

Don’t expect her to accept your argument on the spot because she will probably be defensive and move swiftly into denial. But this isn’t about redressing past unfairness; it’s about modifying what happens in future. All you need to do is put the suggestion into her mind that she may have begun taking you rather too much for granted, and things should improve. Good luck!