The Daily Telegraph - Saturday - Saturday
‘I was pointing the gun about and it went off ’
Actor Keith Allen, 70, on film-set mishaps, John Barnes’s rap flow and the vicissitudes of the Hungarian property market
Born in Llanelli in 1953, the son of a Royal Navy submariner, Allen spent his early years between Swansea, Malta and Gosport. When his father was posted to Singapore, he attended Brentwood boarding school in Essex until he was expelled aged 13. After a spell in borstal, he tried stand-up comedy and appeared in several Comic Strip Presents films in the 1980s, and eventually in Danny Boyle’s Shallow Grave in 1994. Since then, he’s enjoyed a successful stage and screen career, appearing in Trainspotting, 24 Hour Party People, Robin Hood, Eddie the Eagle and Kingsman: The Golden Circle. Twice divorced and currently living in Gloucestershire with his partner, Tamzin Malleson – mother of his 17-year-old daughter Teddie-Rose – he is also the father of singer Lily and actor Alfie, plus three other children.
BEST CHILDHOOD MEMORY?
Sitting on my Uncle Les and my Auntie Nancy’s tractor on their little smallholding in Carmarthen when I was about five and, ridiculously, being allowed to steer the tractor. My uncle was wisely standing just behind me in case the steering went wrong. It was joyful.
BEST DAY OF YOUR LIFE?
This is problematic, because in selecting one, you’re dismissing a lot of others, [and] that might offend people. So I’ll be vacuous and say when Fulham beat Juventus at Craven Cottage in the Europa League on March 18 2010. It was very poignant, because I took my dad to Turin for the first leg and we lost 3-1. I remember my dad saying, “That away goal, son, that could mean something,” and I was like, “Yeah, as if.” Unfortunately he couldn’t get to the return match and I just remember us going one-nil down in the first five minutes, which meant we were 4-1 down on aggregate and there was nothing we could do except go out and attack. Which is what we did. We beat them 4-1. We scored four goals. And I remember sitting next to Hugh Grant, and we were just kind of stupidly hugging each other and jumping up and down. It was incredible.
BEST MUSICAL MOMENT?
Recording England’s 1990 World Cup song “World in Motion” with New Order. Six players came along to sing backing vocals: Steve McMahon, Chris Waddle, Johnny Barnes. Gazza, Peter Beardsley and Des Walker. They were all useless. We tried Peter Beardsley, and it was, “No, no no,” then Steve McMahon was no better, then Des Walker was dreadful, no idea of musical rhythm whatsoever. Chris Waddle couldn’t be bothered. The only person who could do it was Gazza. He did it and he was absolutely on it. The pacing of it, the rhythm of it. He was just bang on. But you couldn’t understand a bloody word that he was saying. It could have been a foreign language. We were like, “We can’t use this.” So that’s how Johnny Barnes ended up doing his famous rap. He was the best of a bad bunch.
BEST CELEBRITY ENCOUNTER?
I was in a music shop in Denmark Street and I bought a Yamaha Melodica keyboard. It’s a beautiful piece of workmanship. I stood there and the guy got it out and he let me have a look and a go on it, and I said, “Yeah, I’ll have that.” And the voice behind me said, “That’s a mighty fine instrument.” I turned around and there was Kris Kristofferson. I nearly fainted. I was absolutely both dumb and awestruck. I mean, he’s like a god to me. And there he was. And he’s a big man, a big presence.
BEST DECISION?
The best decision I ever made was to not be a coal miner. I was underground doing my apprenticeship, and I just remember thinking, “It’s the middle of summer and my mates are out on the beach surfing and I’m down here in the black. Stinking. Boiling hot. No. I’m out of here.” I was there for about eight weeks, but that was enough. I never wanted to be an actor. But my English teacher at the further education college I went to said, “It’s full of girls. You’ll have the time of your life,” and I thought, “All right, let’s do it.”
WORST CHILDHOOD MEMORY?
In Malta, aged about six. My dad was a submariner, and it was about the time of the Cuban Missile Crisis, and he had to leave very suddenly. I found out later they were out across the Atlantic. At the same time, Mount Etna had erupted and the Mediterranean was covered in white ash. And I just thought it was the apocalypse. I thought it was the end of the world – I remember screaming into my mum’s apron.
WORST MOMENT AT BOARDING SCHOOL?
I actually had a great time there, but I was a fish out of water. I felt like I didn’t belong, so I bumped against the system and got expelled. The final straw came when everyone else went home for their half-term holidays, I had nowhere to go because my parents were in Singapore, so I was in the school on my own, and I resented that, so I went and changed all the organ pipes in the chapel, which was hilarious when they started to play it, but that was the straw that broke the camel’s back.
WORST MOMENT OF YOUR LIFE?
When my dog Tommy died about four years ago. He was a Bedlington terrier called Tommy Rotten. He got run over. And I was there. He was just a great, great, great character. A free spirit. He was brilliant.
WORST ACTING MOMENT?
I was doing [the 1991 film] Kafka, Steven Soderbergh’s second movie. I was doing a scene with either Alec Guinness or Jeremy Irons and I had a gun. I was just kind of pointing it about all over the place and it went off – luckily with a blank in it – and it hit this girl who was a sound assistant. I was absolutely mortified by the situation. They came and got the gun and then I went over to see how the girl was and Soderbergh was there, and her ears were covered in blood. I was just in bits, but Soderbergh had actually given her a blood capsule, which she’d burst in her ear. None the less, the whole experience was horrifying.
WORST PERSONAL TRAIT?
Not being aware that I’m picking my nose. Like, standing at a bus stop or in a restaurant or at home. I’ll just be picking my nose and not realise I’m doing it. It’s horrible.
WORST ADVICE YOU’VE RECEIVED?
My uncle was manager of Trallwn Football Club. I was playing on a pretty ropey pitch and I did my cruciate ligament on a cow hoofprint hole, and my uncle Roy told me to run it off. He said, “You’ll be all right.” He came out and started hitting it and moving my leg up. I got on the bus to go home and by the time I got home they had to cut my trousers off, my leg was so swollen. It messed me up completely.
WORST DECISION?
We were doing the third series of Robin Hood out in Budapest, and I knew it was going to become a European filming hub for Americans, so I thought, “Right, I’m being very well paid here, property is cheap,” so I bought this amazing top-floor flat owned by a Hungarian artist. It was the one moment in my life where I thought I was being mature and thinking ahead. I got an architect in, put a completely new steel and concrete floor in and a new roof on it, and it cost me a lot of money. My plan was to do it to a really high-end spec and then rent it out to American actors, directors and producers. And then they told us we weren’t doing the fourth series, which is what was going to pay for the rest of it. So I was left with a flat that had a concrete floor and roof and then the 2008 market just erupted. The exchange rate went through the floor. I lost about £150,000 to £200,000 and I had to sell it in the end.
Add a jazzy top or jumper
Next, find tops that have a naturally “rich” appeal; velvet is a win, and this Aspiga top is exceptional. Or try gemlike tones you might usually avoid; they’re total classics. Ruby, emerald, sapphire blue… if you’re unsure stick to the Quality Street palette. You could always wear your jeans with that floral top you bought this summer, and warm it up with rich nail colours, raspberry lipstick or gold jewellery. Bring warmth to the summery tones and add gold jewellery to further winter-fy the look. See how I matched the bow in this O Pioneers top with a velvet bow in hair. Tiny touches that show you’ve thought about the night’s dress code.
My personal favourite for a party anywhere (OK, perhaps not Sandringham) is to soup up your favourite cardigan, V-neck or waistcoat. I suggest wearing it with flesh on show (that holey, moth-eaten jumper is not what I mean). Risqué perhaps, but it makes a cosy, winter item a bit more evening and the comfort factor is top notch; you’re still essentially just in jumper and jeans. Minimal effort – but you did at least make an effort, because hair and make-up need more attention if you go down this route.
Amp up the hair and make-up
Enjoy washing, curling, smoothing, twisting or volumizing your hair well in advance of the soirée. Add a great hairband, no it doesn’t need to match (I borrow my daughter’s school hairband, it works a treat). Take time to apply your make-up in a way you can enjoy on New Year’s Eve. Bring in metallic shimmer tones (those that tend to sit unused for most of the year). Branch out and put on “a lip”, because whether you’re spending NYE in a pub or a palace, this is a night where you can take it up a notch. You’re more likely to be spending the evening with friends, as opposed to Christmas Day which is often spent impressing the in-laws so requires more of a safety net. Either way, dress for your hosts because everyone prefers some effort from their guests at this time of year.
Black trousers are your best friend
But where are your black trousers?! Relegated to the pre-Covid office section of your wardrobe I suspect. Dig them out. For this shoot we actually folded up the hems of the trousers, then stuck masking tape (not pins) to hold the hem in place. A shorter length is a bit more evening; a flash of ankle on show. Everyone can last one evening with cold ankles. Sock marks are to be avoided, remove your bed socks/ pop socks well in advance of your guests arriving! You all know that black is a “vehicle” for colour (note this blue Boden shirt – which might already exist in your wardrobe). Any silk shirt will look elegant. If you aren’t sure how to bring in colour, or want to go for a monochrome look, grab the ribbon from the Christmas Day recycling and add a ribbon to your hair, your shoulders (no really, super cute – Smythson ribbon is really good and robust, for example on a cream knit), or your jacket.
Ribbons are an easy win and always make a ponytail sing. (Huge thanks to VV Rouleaux for making up these ribbons for our shoot – you can see our video on ribbon-tying here.)
Add sparkle
Finally, the LBD… the little black dress is not something that comes out very often. I actually don’t love black on me. (As Trinny Woodall told me at a Christmas do, “No no darling, you are NAVY. YOU ARE NAVY.”) But if you are staring at a black dress but don’t know how to spark it up, it’s time for metallics. These Jigsaw boots were brilliant, and so bold that I avoided any further sparkle via jewellery or make-up. I let the boots do the talking.
Metallics are a great way to shine without feeling too Strictly – they can be super elegant (Jigsaw has nailed it with these, above). And if you don’t own any metallic shoes or accessories then find your jewellery box and embrace.
Let the black dress go from funereal to fashionable, thanks to a lot of swag. Big earrings, clean hair, neat neckline, golden cheeks, shiny lips. Or load up the bangles, the charm bracelets, all those items that literally never come out to play. More is more and trust in your black dress to guarantee that amount of jewellery will work; I promise you will never fall into BA Baracus territory!
And if you’re staying in…
May I make one final point? I’m sure many people roll their eyes when I suggest “shopping” your own wardrobe, because shopping in realtime, for new items, is so damn fun. Of course you can find new gems during the festive/sales period. You just need to know that you will love, and I truly mean love, them – well beyond the sore head on January 1, well beyond the moment the credit card bill arrives on January 31 and far into the future of 2024, 2025, 2026 and beyond. Case in point? These sparkly shoes (with the black dress) are in fact my wedding shoes. 11 years old, still fabulous, still sparkling, (still bloody painful) but just totally wonderful time and time again.
Finally, for anyone not going out, I chose this; a wonderful jumpsuit from Finisterre to cosy up with a glass of wine (don’t spill it on that pink) with. Bed socks or ballet pumps will be your finishing touch.
New Year, New Wardrobe? No! Work with what you already have! And have a wonderful time.