‘I don’t understand the modern dating world’

In her new sex and relationships advice column, Rachel advises a man who wants a lot of sex, and a woman who is wondering why she doesn’t

Dear Rachel

Q‘I am a 61-year-old male, married 38 years, with three adult children. I met my wife-to-be when she was 16 and I was 17. I had a vasectomy before I was 30! Last year, I asked for a divorce after 10 years of working through why I was unhappy. I have missed sex and have now released myself into a dating world I don’t really understand the rules of. I am on Bumble where I am generally matched with people who look like my wife and want a “relationship”. Is it OK that I want to remain independent and I want sex but I don’t want to have to think about being a couple? Where do I go now?’

Dear Mr Bumble

A(I’m calling you Mr Bumble as you omitted to give your initials and nearest town when contacting AFAF – Asking for a Friend – do please remember to do so),

At first glance, I thought your question was touching. Ooh, I thought. Bless. A straight, I mean “cishet”, man (who has divorced his wife rather than cheated on her, a rara avis indeed) has bravely taken his foot off the bottom and plunged into the deep end of the dating pool. And honest too, about how you met and married very young compared to today’s panda-like creatures, and how you feel you missed out on the sowing of wild oats stage of the male of the species. Divorce is difficult, but you have made a different bed now and want to lie in it, preferably with lots of juicy new partners.

You ask, “Where do I go now?” and my answer is – out! Or online! Women you “meet” on these apps or IRL (in real life) are definitely not expecting Prince Charming to swipe them off their feet. They know the dance, and the steps have changed since someone (probably my mother) once told me, “Women use sex to get love, men use love to get sex.” The apps have muddied – or clarified – that distinction.

So, if you don’t pretend you want anything more than a FWB (friends with benefits) or fling-type arrangement, don’t panic. Many women will be thrilled that they won’t have to offer up the so-called Girlfriend Experience for you. Too much pressure. In fact, in 2022 Hinge added the option for users to add their relationship type, you should share your desire to avoid paired-up exclusivity plain on your profile.

Just be as honest with your dates as you are with me. Lots of women don’t want a man to look after them, and they don’t want to look after a man. They’ve been there, done that too. Girls just wanna have fun too, etc!

Then I showed your letter to a therapist, and Sophie Haggard spotted lots of red flags. “Mourn your losses”, she advises, before you unleash yourself on any of the unsuspecting women who look like your wife. She notes you exhibit some anger about the past (the decades in the bonk desert) and ambivalence about the future (as if Bumble is some persecutory agency put there to thwart your desires, which only offers up potential dates with women who remind you of your unhappy marriage). Smaller red flags: why do you mention your vasectomy? Are you worried this will put off the thirty-somethings who may want you to be their sperm butler

‘Mourn your losses before you unleash yourself on too many unsuspecting women,’ warns a therapist

as well as sugar daddy? Why do you put “relationship” in shuddering inverted commas?

You have to make peace with your losses, and only then can you proceed to joyful unfettered intercourse with new partners, uncontaminated by unprocessed feelings of sadness or anger.

And you may have some “work” to do on yourself before you let loose your frustrated inner kid in the online candy shop, with its cornucopia of possibilities. Work on body and mind, probably. Why? Women who are on dating apps are the crack stormtroopers of the world we call “out there” and their despatches from this front report that men like you, coming out of long marriages, can be unbelievably clueless/innocent, having last unhooked a bra in the back of a Reliant Robin in 1963.

So: mourn your losses first, and then get yourself match-fit for the battle of the sexes. I’m not telling you to manscape and hit the gym after so you could model in a Calvin Klein ad, but put your best foot forward and maybe book yourself a pedicure and splash out on some new boxers. And let me know how you get on!

Dear Rachel

QHow common is it to have extremely low to zero sex drive? I’m post-menopausal. I used to love sex. Now, I feel so sad that I’m just not interested any more. Is there a medical reason for this? I’ve tried testosterone gel, it was not helpful. How many women are there out there that feel like this?

Dear Mrs Everywoman

AOh my goodness! You ask, how common, how many women? I can reassure you. Extremely common. Millions of women! You are not alone, Mrs E. This is one of the most common presenting problems to therapists post-menopause.

But you are also special. What jumps out for me like salmon leaping is this sentence in your short letter: “I used to love sex.” This tells me everything I need to know. I can reassure you that your body hasn’t changed post-menopause that much. Yes, you may have the old apron-belly and some wrinkled décolletage but when were either of those deal breakers for you or a potential partner? You say the tried and tested rocket fuel for the female libido, testosterone hasn’t helped, so I think that your body is not letting you down, your mind is.

“If you have experienced sexual pleasure before and you used to love sex,” agrees Tessa Grazzini, a clinical hypotherapist (and other things), “then you can again.” She explains that every thought you have is a blueprint. The mind learns by repetition. So if you think a thought – like “I am sad old menopausal lady who will never have sex again” over and over again you make this flesh. But you can tell yourself the opposite. You can choose.

“If I tell my clients things like ‘You have an amazing sex drive, you feel your libido increasing’, and I tell them over and over again, they begin to feel it.” Grazzini says.

She suggests you need to step back and ask how you feel about yourself. Have you fallen into the trap of seeing yourself – and your more mature sexuality – as society used to expect a post-menopausal female to look and feel, ie a Crimplene-cardiganed baglady waiting at the bus stop? If so, you need to reprogramme yourself. Just think of Liz Hurley, Kate Moss, Carol Vorderman, Nicole Kidman, not to mention Sadie Frost, Claudia Winkleman and Salma Hayek. All hot as hell.

So, tell yourself that 50 is the new fitty. Or filthy, even. However ridiculous it sounds (maybe don’t say it out loud to a date), but it’s true. And believe me when I say that many women have their best decades – in every way – after the menopause.

I’m almost tempted to introduce you to Mr Bumble, above, but I fear he is not yet ready for you.