Rachel Johnson ‘I’ve used escorts for 25 years. Is it so very wrong?’

Rachel hears from a man who regularly pays for sex, and a woman whose husband offers a pleasant face to the world but behaves very differently in private

Dear Rachel

QWe live in a semi-rural part of the West Midlands and enjoy country walks with our black labradors. I work as a solicitor advising on corporate law. It’s all pretty idyllic. However, within five years of marriage my wife appeared to decide that sex was something that I was now supposed to “provide” in a satisfactory manner on a once-a-week basis with the minimum of involvement from her. This gradually tailed off to the point that we have not had sex for the past seven years or more and my wife will happily tell friends that we have no sex drive at our age for which she is “grateful”.

I, however, do have a healthily active sex drive, and when marital sex became such a chore 25 years ago I had a decision to make. On average I visit an escort for an hour or two every two to three weeks and have done so for 25 years. My ideal escort will be late 20s to early 40s and I have mostly fantastic sex with gorgeous women. I am very careful to avoid anyone who has been trafficked and I tend to have a series of regulars. I make sure I am regularly tested for STIs and have never tested positive – which is probably very lucky, although I try to be careful. I would have preferred to have a great sexual relationship with my wife but this was not to be and we both might have been much less happy than we are.

My question to you this: is what I have done so very wrong?

—Anon 1

Dear Anon 1

AAs I am the regular recipient of wails and whinges from friends about the state of their relationships, especially men complaining about their wives having “shut up shop”, I read your letter with interest, especially as it arrived in the wake of a storm over an article in The Spectator. Lloyd Evans, the magazine’s theatre critic, wrote that he’d attended a house of ill repute in Cambridge, had a satisfactory 17-minute “brisk workout” with an obliging prostitute, got dressed, paid online and then left.

Mischief-makers misinterpreted his piece. They said the visit to the brothel was occasioned by the writer’s unbridled desire for a blonde and attractive academic he’d heard lecture earlier that day, and he’d had to pay an impromptu call on a prostitute to relieve himself – even though Evans made clear the session was pre-booked.

Which brings us to you. I’m sure you harbour some feelings of guilt about the arrangements you have made, even if they have preserved at least the façade of marital unity. But exchanging money for sexual services is legal in this country (soliciting on the street isn’t, so be aware of what’s allowed) and one in 10 men have done exactly what you are doing. I’m sure many husbands whose wives sigh, “Okay, as long as you’re quick and I can carry on reading” will envy your enterprise. Especially as you say it brings you “fantastic sex with gorgeous women”, who no doubt spice things up a bit compared to the limited repertoire of the long-married tradwife.

A poll of female friends revealed that the fizz has indeed gone out of the bottle: apart from a brief ro-ro (roll-on, rolloff) or the relaxed, low-energy position known forndly in our house as “dead

I’m sure husbands whose wives sigh, ‘As long as you’re quick and I can carry on reading,’ will envy you

maid”, they generally weren’t up for what I call “event sex”. So, in answer to your question: from your point of view, what’s not to like?

From a wider perspective, though, I can’t speak for the women you have visited over the years, but I will say this. Many feminists, among them Julie Bindel and Hadley Freeman, think that what you’re doing is not that different from rape, and call themselves Swerfs – sex worker exclusionary radical feminists. And many men with pride would shudder at the idea of paying a woman for sex – never mind the premium “girlfriend experience” (where she pretends to really like you too). They would be unable to kid themselves that the woman wasn’t just doing it for the money, but actually felt something for them.

Then of course there are the men who don’t imagine the woman is enjoying the experience, but don’t give a damn. After all, as someone once said, “I don’t pay them for carnal encounters – I pay them to leave.” As you write, you decided not to have children, your wife loves walking your black labs in the West Midlands countryside – and you have hookers on the side. Sounds idyllic, in its way, I suppose. But ask yourself this: would you really want any daughter or niece or granddaughter of yours to say, “When I grow up I want to be a sex worker?”

Dear Rachel

QMy husband of almost 30 years is a decent, principled man who outwardly appears friendly and pleasant; but he behaves quite differently to me behind closed doors.

He is surly, controlling and demeaning. We both have good jobs, successful grown-up children and no financial problems – although I know his work is stressful. I do the lion’s share of looking after his elderly parents. He is also very overweight and is probably addicted to food.

Intimacy has not featured for many years (“You’re not nice to me”) but I suspect the real issue is one he doesn’t wish to discuss: ED – erectile dysfunction. I found sex very bonding and obviously it strengthened our relationship. He will not discuss any relationship issues with me, nor will he consider therapy. What’s a girl to do? —Anon 2

Dear Anon 2

AThank you for writing – and, as Kate Middleton said in her brave statement from a bench in Windsor – you are not alone. It’s a common predicament. Many people are practised at presenting a “pleasant” face to the world – and being model spouses and parents in public – yet turn into snarling, snapping monsters behind closed doors. This Jekyll and Hyde character make-up is the stuff of many a telly drama, and makes for an atmosphere of constant tension, as mood can turn on a sixpence. Lots of men and women take out their frustrations on their partners, and “use” crutches such as food, porn, gambling or drink to self-medicate.

The situation you describe is sad but not at all insoluble. I would urge you to do the following. Ignore his veto on therapy: make it a dealbreaker. If he wants you to stick around, he has to shape up or ship out. Get yourselves ASAP to couples counselling and if necessary, make this conditional on your staying in the marriage.

Bullies – and he is a bully – only respond to strength, and it’s time you took the steering wheel and drove the family car away from the cliff edge it has been teetering on for too long. You can tell him that what he is doing amounts to coercive control, and that there are laws around coercive control. Tell him, furthermore, that he needs to lose weight and that you want to discuss his erectile dysfunction and the possible restoration of your sex life.

Warning: these are hard conversations to have. Take your time, and don’t do it in anger – choose a tender moment to drop your truth bombs.