Is it just me…

The Daily Telegraph - Saturday - - COVER STORY -

Who was sur­prised by the new Top Gear line-up? Not the pre­sen­ters them­selves, who seem promis­ing enough, but their uni­form ap­pear­ance: all of them are crop-haired and stub­bly, wear­ing match­ing leather jack­ets, T-shirts and jeans. Isn’t the whole point of hav­ing three pre­sen­ters to get a cross sec­tion of male stereo­types? In the old days of Top Gear there was the woolly, slightly rock’n’roll one; the unashamedly un­re­con­structed, clothes­blind one; and the per­tish boy band one who wouldn’t say no to a groom­ing prod­uct and a baby sling… Wasn’t that roughly it? This lot all look like stunt­men. Mak­ing sure to stock up on sweets so you have plenty to eat while you’re hid­ing in your wardrobe.

Think­ing that if you were hav­ing your blood pres­sure taken when the door­bell rang, you’d break the ma­chine.

Opt­ing for “trick” rather than “treat” and watch­ing a bunch of un­pre­pared chil­dren look­ing at each other with sad con­fu­sion.

Hav­ing to com­fort your kids be­cause some weirdo thought that fruit con­sti­tuted a “treat”.

Feel­ing an­noyed at the re­al­i­sa­tion that your pump­kin with “GO AWAY” carved into it is prov­ing some­what in­ef­fec­tive.

Hop­ing that you didn’t come off as harsh when you ac­cused a tod­dler of “not re­ally mak­ing enough of an ef­fort” with his cos­tume.

Feel­ing deep shame when you hear a small voice out­side say, “Mummy, why is that lady crawl­ing across the floor?”

Hear­ing some­one say the word “candy” to de­note sweets and won­der­ing what the hell’s hap­pened to this coun­try.

Hop­ing it’s not bad form to leave an open packet of di­ges­tive bis­cuits on your door­mat, with a lit­tle sign say­ing “Help your­self ”.

Fi­nally get­ting through the evening, then im­me­di­ately gear­ing your­self up to ig­nore Guy Fawkes night.

Rob Tem­ple’s lat­est book, Very Bri­tish Prob­lems Vol III: Still Awk­ward, Still Rain­ing (Sphere) is out now. Fol­low him on Twit­ter: @SoVeryBri­tish


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