VERY BRITISH STYLE GUIDE

AN OFFENSIVE FUNNY JUMPER

Everyone will be really impressed with your “Balls to Christmas!” jumper, complete with expertly placed faux fur. And you’ll be nice and warm, as the house is hotter than Qatar.

CRACKER HAT

To be worn from Christmas Day lunch until at least December 27. Drunkenly shout “WHERE’S YOUR HAT?” with increasing aggression until you’re told to go to bed.

ANY ITEM OF CLOTHING YOU’VE JUST BEEN GIVEN

It doesn’t matter if it’s a pair of skiing trousers, a duffel coat or a wetsuit that’s a size too small, get it on!

FATHER CHRISTMAS OUTFIT

A good way to delight the children is to dress up like St Nick. Don’t take it personally if you overhear one of them say, “Hey! Father Christmas isn’t that fat!”

ELASTICATED TROUSERS

Well, nobody forced you to eat an entire selection box of chocolate bars, did they? In fact, they begged you not to… it wasn’t even yours.

A MUSICAL GARMENT

Squeeze it in the right place and it plays a high-pitched verse of Jingle Bells five times in a row. Great fun for all the family. Press it again!