CHRIST­MAS SHOP­PING DE­CODED

The Daily Telegraph - Saturday - - COVER STORY -

THE ‘DONE IT ALL IN AU­GUST’

Every­one hates you, and you love it. Watch with glee as peo­ple scrabble around the su­per­mar­ket won­der­ing if a bag of “Finest” shal­lots is a de­cent gift for some­one who quite likes cook­ing.

THE ‘PANIC WRAP SOME­THING OF YOURS’

Slip­pers, your three least ratty pairs of pants, a framed pic­ture of your wife, some forks… any­thing will do at this stage. If choos­ing some­thing from your fridge, make sure that it’s at room tem­per­a­ture be­fore gift­ing.

THE ‘EX­TREME LAST MINUTE’

Oth­er­wise known as the “Petrol Sta­tion”. Chicken and mush­room slice, Mars bar and a “Grab Bag” of crisps for your mother-in­law? Well, she does seem to like eat­ing.

THE ‘SORRY IT HASN’T BEEN DE­LIV­ERED’

Aka: The “I For­got About You”. Just make sure to say: “The app says it’s in tran­sit from Spain!” Which will be re­mark­able, re­ally, see­ing as you won’t have or­dered it yet.

THE ‘ON­LINE BLITZ’

Sim­ply go hell for leather on the “For Him” and “For Her” sec­tions of Ama­zon, mean­ing every­one fe­male will get a scented can­dle and a flavoured lip gloss, while every­one male gets a tin of beard wax.

THE ‘WE’RE NOT DO­ING PRESENTS THIS YEAR’

Oh but you’ll eat all our bloody ham, won’t you?!

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