CHRISTMAS SHOPPING DECODED

THE ‘DONE IT ALL IN AUGUST’

Everyone hates you, and you love it. Watch with glee as people scrabble around the supermarket wondering if a bag of “Finest” shallots is a decent gift for someone who quite likes cooking.

THE ‘PANIC WRAP SOMETHING OF YOURS’

Slippers, your three least ratty pairs of pants, a framed picture of your wife, some forks… anything will do at this stage. If choosing something from your fridge, make sure that it’s at room temperature before gifting.

THE ‘EXTREME LAST MINUTE’

Otherwise known as the “Petrol Station”. Chicken and mushroom slice, Mars bar and a “Grab Bag” of crisps for your mother-inlaw? Well, she does seem to like eating.

THE ‘SORRY IT HASN’T BEEN DELIVERED’

Aka: The “I Forgot About You”. Just make sure to say: “The app says it’s in transit from Spain!” Which will be remarkable, really, seeing as you won’t have ordered it yet.

THE ‘ONLINE BLITZ’

Simply go hell for leather on the “For Him” and “For Her” sections of Amazon, meaning everyone female will get a scented candle and a flavoured lip gloss, while everyone male gets a tin of beard wax.

THE ‘WE’RE NOT DOING PRESENTS THIS YEAR’

Oh but you’ll eat all our bloody ham, won’t you?!