THE VERY BRITISH CHRISTMAS FRIDGE
VARIOUS THINGS IN CLING FILM
Scraps of meat, a cup of gravy, a third of a cheese board… go crazy with the cling film. Wrap up a single parsnip and see how long it stays there until someone else deals with it.
A LARGE PORK PIE
Though you keep being told you’re not allowed to touch it, so you’ll end up eating the giant piggy slab until at least mid-January. Which is great.
Pros: an excuse to make alcohol edible, easy to chew, a change from Christmas pudding. Cons: takes up half the fridge, never seems to be finished.
It’s not Christmas unless you eat enough Stilton to give yourself gout. Even a small amount will make all your other food “infused with Stilton”, which is very on-trend.
A HUGE CHUNK OF SOME DIFFERENT MEAT
A whole duck, goose or gammon, minus one slice, for that one person who thinks they’re unique for not liking turkey (who does?). Secretly subtract the cost from their presents.
You must have at least 10 tiny chicken Kievs on the go at any one time because (apparently) it looks “ridiculous” when you eat one regular-sized Kiev with your hands.
Perhaps four pints of the luminous yellow pickle was a bit too much? Still, plenty left over for the next 20 Decembers. Called something like “Virgin Festive Fling!” or “Designated Sleigh Driver”. Ingredients for both: cranberry juice.
Tastes like: breakfast.
A BLACK VELVET
Combine your finest champagne with a nice chilled serving of Guinness to quickly ruin both.
Tastes like: a mistake.
Blend together lots of fruit. Drink on New Year’s Day. That’ll definitely cancel out the past three months of gluttony.
Tastes like: victory!