RICHARD MADELEY AGONY UNCLE

Our new columnist answers your questions. Write to him at DearRichard@telegraph.co.uk

Dear Richard

indistinct mutters when you challenge him indicates he prefers to nurse whatever it is to himself.

Think hard. Have you done or said something that’s led him to develop a grudge, however unreasonable? Has something changed between you? Whatever it might be, the standard advice – to talk about it – obviously won’t fix this because he won’t talk to you. QED.

So here’s what I suggest. Sit yourself down and write him a letter. Not an email – a good oldfashioned pen-and-ink letter. Don’t be hostile or threatening – that’ll push him further away. Gently explain how hurt and mystified you are by his behaviour. Tell him you honestly can’t go on like this and that a great deal depends on his reply. So you’re giving him time to think – which is why you’ve arranged to spend a couple of nights away.

Leave your letter on the kitchen table before you go. Of course, you may return to find it in pieces in the bin, in which case you’ll have done your best and will have some difficult choices to make.

But if you eventually decide you can just about bear to stay under the same roof as the Grinch, follow your own advice. Work at building as separate a life for yourself as possible with your children, grandchildren and friends. You don’t have to be manacled by your man’s sulky silence.

But I’m an optimist. Detectives sometimes find a “nothing to say” hardcase softens into “I’m ready to talk.” Let’s hope your letter loosens your husband’s tongue. physical needs after all, and his reawakened desire is driving him to fulfil them. That’s making him feel guilty about you. Remember, this is the man who loved and cared for you when you were ill. He’s no monster. Those waspish put-downs and silly accusations are his clumsy way of crowbarring some emotional distance between you before the inevitable split.

Now the other point. Sorry, Robin, but rows about “stuff ” come with the territory. Don’t sweat it. Give ground wherever you can. Hopefully that will encourage him to reciprocate – generosity usually breeds generosity.

As for your fear of being “alone and pushing 60”, his behaviour means you’re already alone and there’s nothing you can do about birthdays. Anyway, these days 60 is nothing! (I’m 62, so I would say that.)

You and I no longer have our whole lives ahead of us, Robin, but we have a decent chunk. Make the most of yours.

Dear Richard

My great-uncle died five years ago. He was a kind, warm-hearted man and his death was hard to get over.

A few weeks before he died, he bought me a teddy and I named it after him. At the time, I was only seven, so I didn’t know what was going on – it just seemed like a nice thing to do.

That was the last day I saw him.

Some years later, I look at the bear, on a shelf in my room at boarding school, and all I have is sad thoughts. I can’t connect it with anything positive about my great-uncle. I can’t really remember him at all to be honest, and having the bear around makes me feel weird about that. My parents think it’s really sweet, but I would quite like to leave it at home the next time I go back there. Would that be all right?

NIGEL (12), VIA EMAIL

Dear Nigel

What a thoughtful, insightful letter. You’re clearly extremely emotionally developed for your age. But death and bereavement are still unusual visitors in your life. You just need some pointers on dealing with them.

Of course memories of your great-uncle have faded – you were only seven when he died! All you can remember now is his spirit – warm, kind, funny – and that you loved him. That’s more than enough. The teddy is a sweet memento, not some sort of memory stick that’s stopped working.

We’re programmed to recover from bereavement and forget the pain. If we weren’t, we’d be crippled under the growing weight of neverending grief. It’s perfectly normal to feel some guilt when we “move on”. I know I did after my father died.

Your teddy once comforted you; now it’s confusing you and holding you back. So yes, leave it at home next holiday time. Your great-uncle would understand perfectly.