LETTER OF THE WEEK

At the age of 16, after a series of family difficulties (bereavement, moving house, change of schools) our youngest daughter put on weight, suddenly changed her friendship group, cut her hair and started to wear baggy clothes. She spent a lot of time alone in her room and stopped doing all her extra-curricular activities.

We tried to talk to her, but she didn’t want to. Instead, we just kept doing fun family things with her in order to stay close.

A few months ago, after she turned 18 and finished her exams, she announced to us that she wanted to change genders: to live as a man and receive hormonal and, in due course, surgical treatment. We were shocked, but told her that whatever she decides to do with her life, we will always be here for her. At the same time, we begged her not to rush into any irreversible decisions about her body and to seek professional advice. She agreed to see a counsellor and tells us the sessions are going well, thought she hasn’t talked about them in detail.

We are delighted that she is speaking to a professional about her feelings and that she still has some sort of a relationship with us. However, it is breaking our hearts that she is so distant from us compared with only a few months ago. Now she ignores my texts unless she is looking for money or a lift. Her mood varies between one-word answers and polite but laconic conversation. I would put this down to normal behaviour if it wasn’t for the deeper angst that she is obviously experiencing.

I am no expert but I feel sure that she is suffering from more than gender dysphoria. If she transitions without addressing other issues I worry she will simply have changed from being an unhappy young woman to an unhappy young man.

Any advice on how to cope would be helpful.

ANON, IRELAND

Dear Anon

A good friend once told me: “We mislaid our daughter when she was 13. Lost her for 10 years.” By “lost”, he meant first to her bedroom, and then to university.

One year she didn’t even speak to either parent, other than to ask for money. Now she describes her mum and dad as “my best friends”. So it goes.

You say that when your daughter was 16 her weight changed, as did her social group and appearance, and she wouldn’t talk to you about any of it. There’s a word for all that. NORMAL. Most adolescents withdraw from their parents at some point, just as novice ice skaters have to push away from the side of the rink and wobble off on their own. Your daughter’s only 18; she’s still finding her balance.

Which brings us to her gender dysphoria. You’ve resisted the temptation to pass judgment or assume expertise on a complicated subject, and steered her towards counselling. I would have done the same. The good news is that it’s going well – reassuring in itself; doubly so because she’s shared that with you. Don’t expect a running commentary on the sessions: she’ll want to reflect on them in private and in her own time. Again – NORMAL.

You say that you have “polite but laconic” conversations with your daughter. I’d call that a result. She’s doing the best she can to maintain your relationship while she works out who she is. As for what you describe as her “deeper angst”, I’d park that verdict if I were you. Teenagers ARE angstridden, pretty much by definition. But from what I can see there’s no especially worrying behaviour: you make no mention of self-harming, drugs or abusive relationships. Teenagers are programmed to be troubled, parents are hard-wired to worry. Try to relax and be patient. I know couples who’d swap your daughter’s issues for their own teenagers’ troubles in a heartbeat. And remember, adolescence and its aftermath isn’t a sprint. Welcome to the marathon. Pace yourselves.