On banishing the duvet coat and re-emerging more stylish than ever

Like any grandparent, there are things Prince Philip just doesn’t need to know

It’s our duty to keep certain vexing things from the elderly… and others

Like us, you may be concerned about how the Duke of Edinburgh is bearing up after the Harry and Meghan interview. As we watched through our fingers, many of us were hoping that the staff at King Edward VII’s Hospital had pretended they’d lost the remote. Knowing he might be watching made the whole experience much more stressful.

Still, now we can relax. The rumour in royal press circles is that Prince Philip has been protected from the “full fallout” of the interview, which we’re guessing means no one is bringing him the papers any more.

This would make perfect sense. What the elderly don’t know about won’t stress them and it’s our duty to keep certain particularly vexing things from them. Currently on our Don’t Need To Know list: the road works outside their house that are happening all over again (they’ll know soon enough). The price of a rental house in Cornwall in August (they probably should never be told this). The fact that the British army recruiting on campus now makes students feel uncomfortable, and so on.

The elderly aren’t the only ones with a Don’t Need to Know List. Here are some others, and the things you’re better off not telling them.

h Husbands. No need for a husband to ever know how much it costs to cover a chair. Or that the homemade dauphinoise was decanted from an M&S foil tray. That you might have scratched the car. That you got another parking ticket (do not admit to that). That you threw away the sweater he has been looking for since January. That you don’t actually like skiing any more.

h House buyers. No need to draw their attention to the brothel next door. Or the wheezy boiler. Or the fact that the floor paint is not proper floor paint and unless you tiptoe across it wearing socks it comes off in strips.

h Bosses. Don’t need to know the sickie is a hangover. It’s a bad case of food poisoning, every time. Even the morning after your birthday-with-azero.

Neighbours. Don’t need to know that you took a sledgehammer to the party wall, and it didn’t go that well.

h Teenagers. No need to tell them about the time you got expelled. Keep that quiet until they have children of their own. Ditto the week you dated James Hunt. The time you spent a night in a cell (same week you dated James Hunt). They do not want to know.

h Guests. No need for them to know – once we’re back to entertaining – that everything fell on the kitchen floor just before they arrived and the dogs had a quick crack at it, but nearly all of it was salvaged untouched. Also no point worrying them with the chicken sell-bydate if it smelt fine.

h Girlfriends. Much better not to tell them that you saw their ex wrapped around someone who looked like Carla Bruni. Likewise, when they leave him on account of the affair, keep schtum about the other three.

h g The rumour is that the Duke of Edinburgh has been protected from details of the Sussexes’ interview