Dear Richard I don’t know how to talk to my son about my funeral arrangements

Q My wife of more than 40 years died six years ago. Along with my son (our only child), I was responsible for the decision to switch off her life support in hospital, and I have never fully recovered from that. I now live alone and have tried to organise my estate in such a way that on my eventual demise, my son will not have lots of complicated admin and difficult decisions to make.

However, one decision is proving difficult for me. I am not religious; neither (I think) is my son. I am minded to prepay for a simple, inexpensive funeral with no ceremony attached, and maybe ask my son to scatter my ashes in some significant place. But given that I won’t be there, should I leave matters for my son to sort out? Or might he appreciate having difficult decisions taken for him? As I am still very much alive, I am squeamish about discussing these things with him now – it feels morbid, and I don’t wish to place a burden on him and his wife.

–Anon, West Sussex

Dear Anon

A This is clearly increasingly troubling you – so actually I think you should talk to your son otherwise how can either of you come to the right decision? I appreciate your reluctance to place a “burden” on him and his wife, but the day dawns when these matters simply have to be discussed.

Recently I realised that if anything were to happen to my wife and me – some sort of accident, say – our children would be completely at sea sorting out our affairs. So I spent an afternoon putting everything in an email – bank account numbers, house insurance details, tax codes, where our will is lodged, you name it – and sent it off to all of them. Hopefully they won’t need to look at it again for a very long time, but I felt much better for doing it – and far from placing a burden on them, it’s actually lightened

The day dawns when these matters have to be discussed

what would have been a heavy future one.

That’s how you should see a discussion about your (eventual) funeral. It’s much better to settle things now rather than leave your family wondering what you would have wanted, at what will be a difficult enough time for them anyway.

Perhaps you could do it via email, as I did. That definitely draws the sting somewhat. Anyway, my advice is to grasp the nettle. I’m sure you’ll be glad you did.