Agony Uncle

The author and broadcaster answers your questions. Write to DearRichard@ telegraph.co.uk

Dear Richard My daughter-in-law is freezing us out of our grandchildren’s lives

Q How can I begin? I have a wonderful son who is kind and loving and we get on with him very well. His wife, although she tells my son that she loves my husband and me, is cold and uncaring towards us – never phoning, texting, or contacting us at all.

They have two sons, aged 12 and 15, both of whom she has brought up to be the same towards us – cold, dismissive and unfriendly. My son makes excuses for her, saying she is shy, has a very busy life and is too exhausted to give anything of herself to us in any way. He says he has tried to talk to her but to no avail.

My husband and I have always fallen over backwards to be super-loving and warm towards her, and we shall continue to do so. During lockdown on the occasional times when we spoke to my son via video calls, my daughter-inlaw stayed out of shot as long as she could and then reluctantly came on screen. She never asks us how we are.

I have tried texting, emailing and phoning in a friendly, light-hearted way, but she gives short answers and never instigates any conversation. She is a teacher, very highly regarded in her profession, so I don’t really buy that she is shy.

We love my son deeply and don’t want to make life difficult for him. They live on the other side of the country and when we can, and are invited, we drive over for the weekend. She hosts us well and is hospitable enough, but still cold with us. The boys do not give us a hug or even much in the way of a greeting, and they don’t trouble themselves to make polite conversation, though we have always been very generous with them.

I wonder what we have done that she has taken such exception to. There is really nothing that we might have overlooked, or I don’t think there is. But I am deeply saddened by the situation and long for things to be different. Her attitude grieves us very much and my heart sinks whenever I’m on the receiving end of her coldness. What would your advice be?

–Pauline, via email

Dear Pauline

A

Assuming there’s nothing you’ve forgotten or you’re not telling me – a seminal row years ago, an intractable political disagreement, an unforgivable misunderstanding on their wedding day, that sort of thing – your daughterin-law’s behaviour does seem unusual.

After all these years, one would expect an initially frosty relationship to have thawed out a bit; but it sounds as if yours is resolutely stuck in the deep freeze. Perhaps your daughter-in-law just doesn’t like you, though it’s hardly fair on her husband or their children that she should make such a point of it. But it does sound as if she is perhaps struggling with some personal demons - over which you have no control.

I definitely think you should move the conversation on with your son. You say he makes excuses for her, but does he know how badly his wife’s behaviour affects you? Without testing his loyalties too hard, maybe you could explore her behaviour around others in her life. How is she towards her own parents? How are the kids? If he’s having to make apologies for her behaviour to other people, he may actually welcome the chance to talk about it openly with you.

I wonder whether he might exercise a bit more influence over his sons. If their mother doesn’t encourage them to treat you with at least a modicum of common courtesy, maybe he could.

Having said all this, I’m not sure there’s much you can do to change things, Pauline. But to understand all is to forgive all, and if I’m right, at least it would stop you from torturing yourselves trying to recall something you may have once said or done to merit such enduring coldness.

Meanwhile, your stoicism in the face of the situation is admirable and I’m sure your son appreciates your enduring patience. You and your husband sound like good people.

Dear Richard Should I talk to my niece about her irritating verbal tics?

Q My niece, who’s in her 50s, has the most annoying habit when she talks. I never noticed it before lockdown, but am aware of it now that we speak on the phone several times a week.

She repeats the last word of every sentence five or six times. She’ll say “Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes” or “Aha, aha, aha, aha, aha, aha” or “I know, I know, I know, I know, I know”. It’s so

irritating that I dread speaking to her anymore. I just want to scream, “Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop!”

Is she unaware that she does this? Should I say something to her? She’s doesn’t take criticism very well and has a tendency to overreact or become defensive if anything is said about her. –Bernadette, Edinburgh

Dear Bernadette

A Do I understand your irritation with your niece? Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! Do I think you should say something to her about it? No, no, no, no, no, no!

I can’t even imagine how you could broach the subject without causing upset, offence and embarrassment. Your niece has developed a common verbal tic; she’s probably not even aware of it. And for all you know, you may have one or two yourself! Have you considered that? Or how you’d feel if someone pointed yours out to you?

Honestly, Bernadette, on a scale of one to 10 for family problems, this one barely registers. My advice is to do your best to ignore it. The cost of doing that is far lower than the price you’ll pay in terms of the damage done if you risk humiliating your niece. You say she’s defensive enough at the best of times: I guarantee she’ll be resentful, self-conscious and withdrawn in future conversations – if you have any at all.

So next time, take deep breaths, count silently to 10, and let it lie.