Agony Uncle

The author and broadcaster answers your questions. Write to DearRichard@ telegraph.co.uk

I was the ‘third’ person in a threesome – now I’m pregnant

QI’m bisexual and over the years there has been a certain amount of “bi-curious” banter with a close female friend. I stayed with her and her partner for a time during lockdown 2 and at one point the three of us went to bed together. We took precautions but clearly they didn’t work, as I have recently found out I’m pregnant.

Obviously it’s my choice what happens next, but I don’t know whether to talk to my friend – or I should say friends – about this. We got away without too much weirdness after the night in question, and I’d like that to continue, but if I don’t tell them I worry it will prey on me. What do you think? –R, via email

Dear R

AI think you should tell them. It’s a heavy load for you to carry all by yourself, whatever you decide to do. And in any case, this pregnancy is a shared responsibility – the three of you freely took the decision to go to bed together, and that means taking the consequences together if your “precautions” failed (as they often do).

I suppose when you refer to “weirdness” you mean emotional complications. Friendships can and do click back to what they were after lines are crossed, usually after a bit of embarrassment, and if that’s what has happened here, it ought to help you communicate. But of course there’s nothing weird about getting pregnant after sex. It’s, er, normal!

Yes, the news will come as a shock to your friends – as I suppose it did to you, though you sound pretty calm about it – but that will pass and then they can help you decide what to do next.

Of course, it’s absolutely and ultimately your decision, as you say, and they must respect that. But wouldn’t you like to talk things through with the two people closest to the situation – people without whom it wouldn’t have arisen in the first place?

I’m interested that you don’t seem concerned in any way about what their reaction would be if you did inform them that you’re pregnant. It’s rather telling. I’m not sure the prospect of “weirdness” wouldn’t rear its head in that event, however calm and amicable your experience was.

Instead, you say you’re worried it will prey on you if you don’t share this news with them. I think therein lies your answer, R. If you suspect secrecy will gradually gnaw away at you, then it probably will. After all, you know yourself better than anyone. So follow your instincts. I wish you the very best of luck.