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Why have so many celebrities forgotten the 10 golden rules of divorce?

When in doubt, blame your ex. You’ve probably noticed that, without fail, all ex-wives are mad or spendthrift, while all exhusbands are trapped in a never-ending midlife crisis, or sociopaths. This week we have had the opening salvos in the Alice Evans/Ioan Gruffudd divorce case (she claims he has accused her of being a neglectful parent) and the ex-Mrs Robert de Niro has been blamed by his lawyer for bleeding him of cash. It’s ex name-calling as usual.

Incredibly, it was seven years ago that Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin “consciously uncoupled” without recriminations. Look at how far we’ve come – not far at all. If anything, we’ve gone backwards.

Possibly you know people who are going through a divorce (the lockdowns have been make or break, marriage wise). If so, the chances are they’re dividing the teddy bears in half, forcing the children to take sides, forbidding access to the dog, and hiding all their assets. When it comes to divorcing, we’re all Neanderthals and not afraid to show it. We would be appalled to be caught cutting down an old tree, buying a puppy from a puppy farm or eating endangered fish – and yet we haven’t begun to get a handle on sustainable divorce.

Well, no time like the present. Here’s our ten point guide to divorcing with as little downside as possible. It might not be foolproof, but what is there to lose?

hDon’t have Him listed on your phone as The B------. If you’re feeling the urge to be hilarious, First Husband will do nicely.

h Children have a pretty accurate sense of what has gone on and they don’t want to know the details. The satisfaction of telling them exactly how terrible Daddy/Mummy has been will be short lived. You’ll feel much better for putting their feelings first.

h Don’t make friends dread seeing you because they know that after two glasses “It” will come up and then they’re in for the full two hours of Let me Tell You Just How Bad It Was. Your friends love you, but they can only take so much. Save it for the lawyer.

h Don’t make BD (Bitter Divorce) friends. Same as Bitter Single friends, they will get you nowhere.

h Stay friends with your in-laws.

h Make nice with the New One. Agony! Hate the New One in principle. But, if you can appeal to their best instincts further down the line (any chance you could get Jack some football boots?) how nice would that be?

h Never be tempted in a new relationship (see George Osborne) to tell everyone that you have never been happier. How does that make all those involved in your first marriage feel? That was then. This is now. Both are important.

hDon’t ask your children to endorse your new relationship. It’s your choice.

h Make your new life better in some respect as soon as possible; eg paint your bedroom purple if that was not permitted before.

h Get a dog. Get a sports car. Get a tattoo. Get “Beginning of Second Chapter” in your head rather than “End of My Life”.

Good Luck.

g Raging on: Robert de Niro’s lawyer has blamed his ex, Grace Hightower, for bleeding the film star of cash