Agony Uncle

The author and broadcaster answers your questions. Write to DearRichard@ telegraph.co.uk

Dear Richard

Should I quit my degree to work as a fitness instructor – and should my parents back me?

Q

I am halfway through a degree course in a humanities subject at a Russell Group university, and it’s become clear that it’s not for me. During gaps in lockdown and occasionally over video calls, I have been working as a fitness instructor, and in future I’d like to focus on that.

I need some money to train properly, and it’ll be a while before I can start earning, so I asked my parents, who were happy to support me through uni, and they flatly refused. I think this change is a better career move for me – the prospects are there, and I really like connecting with people and helping them. Plus, of course, I won’t build up so much debt. But I guess they think it’s less prestigious or something. Is there something I could do to make my case to them more persuasive?

– Rowan, Cheshire

Dear Rowan

A

They probably need to be sure that you’re being consistent, and this isn’t some sort of flash in the pan. My own daughter quickly realised that uni wasn’t for her, so we negotiated a managed exit. If she agreed to complete a second term and still felt the same disenchantment at the end of it, we would support her decision. That’s what happened, and she is now a happy and successful businesswoman in her chosen field (nutrition and exercise).

My advice to you is to suggest something similar to your own parents. Obviously I don’t know how your modules and options work, but why don’t you offer to complete the term leading up to Christmas, as an act of good faith? That would give you the summer break to start laying the foundations of your career in fitness, and maybe even take some temporary work to build up some savings to get you started next year.

All this would show your parents you weren’t rushing into anything and were taking their concerns seriously. You’re probably right; they would be hugely proud of you if you got your degree. But ultimately I’m sure they want you to be happy. Just cut them some slack and give them a little time to adjust.

Dear Richard All the tenderness has gone from our marriage

Q

My wife and I are in our late 40s. I can’t remember the last time we kissed, held hands or cuddled; when we have sex it’s perfunctory and loveless – there is no foreplay or caressing, and I struggle to become aroused.

I have spoken to her about this, and her response was that she does not have “the same needs as me” and is “not as adventurous”. But it’s not adventure I want, just a sense of shared tenderness. I feel like I am missing out on basic emotional necessities, and I’m frightened the problem will only get worse with age. What advice would you give us?

– Steve, via email

Dear Steve A

I generally tend to steer clear of sexual problems in this column. It’s such a specialised area; and I’m no sex therapist or sex counsellor. So I’m going to pass the buck here. Not because I don’t have an opinion – I’ll come to that – but because I think you need specialist advice. (I’ll name no names, but sometimes I read other agony aunts or uncles giving sex advice to their readers and my jaw hits the carpet. Fools rush in where angels fear to tread and all that.)

I think you need to speak to an expert, either via your GP or through a good charity such as relate.org.uk. Ideally you and your wife would do so as a couple, but judging by your letter she may be unwilling to consider joint therapy. That shouldn’t stop you seeking advice on your own behalf, of course – it’s what you’ve done by writing to me, after all.

But Steve… you say you can’t remember the last time you kissed, cuddled, or held hands with your wife. You don’t tell me that you’ve tried any of these things only to be rebuffed; just that it doesn’t happen. It’s the same with foreplay in bed: you simply say there isn’t any. Do you try to initiate it? Or have you given up on that too?

Forgive the cliché, Steve, but it takes two to tango – and it doesn’t sound to me as if you’re making any moves at all. If you want tenderness, you have to offer tenderness. Why not take actual sex off the agenda for a while and simply concentrate on gently cuddling your wife in bed? Holding hands, kissing – all the “emotional necessities” you are missing at the moment. Take the initiative, Steve – but seek specialist advice, too. In the meantime I hope I’ve pointed you in the right general direction.