LETTER OF THE WEEK

Dear Richard I’m nervous about staying over at my boyfriend’s parents’ house Q

I moved to the north of England seven weeks ago for a new role and have been fortunate to meet someone who I am now in a relationship with. We are 22 and 24 respectively. He recently moved home to his parents’ house, a 90-minute drive away – he has made it clear he wants to make our relationship work long distance, and if possible, so do I.

My dilemma is: should I stay over at his parents’ house the first time I meet them? He says his parents are happy for me to stay in his room. My family are quite strict and would not have the same approach. I also feel as though it is a lot for his parents to have a stranger stay over, given the events of the past year and a half. I think I would feel very nervous meeting them for the first time in this way.

Last night I suggested that I stay in an Airbnb nearby, but he said this would make his parents feel snubbed. I still think it’s the best way for me to ensure I am at my best when I meet the family the next day. Am I just overly nervous or are my instincts right that its better to err on the side of caution than overstay my welcome? Should I do what will make me feel more comfortable, or trust that my boyfriend is accurately relaying what his parents think to me?

–Fran, Lancs

Dear Fran A

Well, you sound like a very sweet, thoughtful person to me. It does you credit that you don’t want to impose on your boyfriend’s parents’ hospitality. But you may be overthinking things a little. Presumably they know that you and their son have already shared bedrooms. That’s why they’re apparently comfortable with you doing the same under their roof. (I doubt your boyfriend is lying to you about this. Why would he?)

I wonder if your own parents’ likely disapproval under similar circumstances is casting a long shadow over all this. You may be unconsciously transferring their stricter standards on to your boyfriend’s mum and dad. (I can tell you that my wife and I would have been perfectly content with the situation as you describe it here).

But you must be comfortable with this, Fran. If you instinctively feel that it’s too soon to share a bedroom with your boyfriend under his parents’ roof... well – that’s how you feel! I’m sure they won’t be offended if you stay at an Airbnb nearby. They’ll probably be rather touched by your sense of propriety. I am. It may seem a little old-fashioned to some, but so what? And if your boyfriend wants to spend some intimate time with you, he can always do that in the Airbnb, can’t he? Don’t allow him to pressurise you into doing something you don’t want to, Fran. This is a newly forming relationship. Start out the way you mean to go on.