Way of the World Michael Deacon

After the RSPB’s social media account furiously denounced Rishi Sunak and his ministers as “liars”, the charity’s boss apologised – but insisted that she hadn’t approved the offending post. So how did it get published? “Senior sources at the charity,” reported this newspaper yesterday, “claimed a junior staff member went rogue while bosses were on holiday.”

If true, this would be no surprise. And it would be yet another instance of the most common mistake made by modern employers.

Hiring young people to run their social media accounts.

On the face of it, the mistake may seem understandable. After all, young people are experts in social media, and, as a bonus, are delightfully cheap to hire. Unfortunately, however, many of them also hold insufferably self-righteous opinions that they are pathologically incapable of keeping to themselves, and appear to view their employer’s social media account as the ideal platform from which to broadcast their sanctimonious delusions to the world. As a result, they behave not merely like employees, but like political activists.

In recent years, countless respectable employers have found themselves embroiled in controversy thanks to stridently outspoken posts by their official social media teams. Last year, to pick a particularly mind-boggling example, a social media manager for the Halifax piously informed the bank’s customers that if they didn’t like its staff wearing gender pronoun badges (eg, “Gemma, she/her”), they were “welcome to close [their] account”.

Not so long ago, there was a well-known rule in business that “the customer is always right”. Nowadays, it seems, the customer is wrong, and in urgent need of re-education by the junior staff.

Thankfully, however, I have a solution that will ensure employers avoid embarrassment of this kind. And it’s extremely simple.

Never hire a social media manager under the age of at least 60.

This rule has two major benefits. First, people over 60 tend to be old and wise enough to realise that a corporate Facebook account is not their own personal bully pulpit. And second, it will help the Government’s current drive to get older people back into work. “To those who retired early after the pandemic or haven’t found the right role after furlough,” pleaded Jeremy Hunt in January, “I say: Britain needs you.” Quite right. Especially if you know your way around TikTok.

And if you don’t, all the better. You can’t post controversial opinions if you can’t work out how to log in.

We’re all long used to storms being given Christian names: Storm Antoni, Storm Betty and so on. Soon, however, we may see a curious new trend. According to reports, storms in this country could be named after civil servants.

Supposedly this is intended as a great honour. But for the life of me I can’t see how. Why on earth would you want the rest of the country to associate you with a storm, of all things? A storm that kills dozens of people, ruins homes, and wreaks untold misery across the land?

It hardly sounds like something to boast to your grandchildren about. “Did I ever tell you that, when I was in the Civil Service, they named a storm after me? You can imagine how proud I was, watching the TV news, and hearing about all the death and destruction it had caused. If only my dear old mother could have been there to see it. Unfortunately, she couldn’t, because a tree had fallen on her head.”

If anything, naming a storm after a civil servant sounds like an insult: a not especially subtle comment on his or her performance at work. Still, the idea may appeal to Government ministers. These days, criticising civil servants can cost you your job.

So, if you want to get your own back on a permanent secretary without being accused of bullying, just name a natural disaster after him instead.

Unlikely as it may sound, a new study claims that beer may actually be good for your gut health. Indeed, it may even be better than trendy probiotic drinks.

I hope the Nobel Prize committee is taking note. Because, if confirmed, this surely ranks among the most important scientific breakthroughs of modern times.

For one thing, Britain’s beleaguered pubs will be saved, as millions of body-conscious young women ditch the kefir and kombucha in favour of Corona and Carling. On Instagram, lissome wellness gurus will extol the nutritional benefits of Carlsberg Special Brew. In a video for her Goop website, Gwyneth Paltrow will be seen in her state-of-the-art home gym, elegantly downing a tankard of Tennent’s Super.

The Chancellor, meanwhile, will be jumping for joy. Think of all the extra alcohol duty he’ll be raking in. There’ll be mountains more money for the

NHS and schools. At the next election, the Tories will stroll to victory.

Happiest of all, however, will be tubby middle-aged men like me. Because from now on, a beer gut will be something to be proud of.

“That’s right, my gut is full of beer – and, therefore, a wealth of probiotic bacteria, essential for a flourishing microbiome.”