Here’s my Survival Guide to the coming apocalypse

Take Scottish dancing lessons: if holding men’s hands freaks you out, get practising now

The Deputy PM Oliver Dowden let slip this week that he’s compiling a long list of all the things we need to ensure we are prepared in the event of power outages sparked by a cyber-attack originating from Russia, or AI or extreme weather or Sir Keir Starmer becoming prime minister (OK, I made that one up).

He also announced that a list of things we should do, and items to store, in advance of the apocalypse would be on a new “resilience” website. But as there will be no power and you won’t be able to access it, I here offer Sitwell’s Survival Guide.

Store logs, kindling, firelighters, matches and old newspapers and learn how to make a fire. Get in a load of blankets and fur coats (real ones – fake ones don’t keep you warm).

If you run a nightclub or have a weekend job as a DJ, get a brass or Scottish reeling band on the payroll. They don’t need amplification. Take Scottish dancing lessons so you’re prepared and if holding men’s hands freaks you out, get practising now.

Get a cellar. Reclaim a room or shed or chuck out all the cleaning stuff under the stairs and put in racks. A good white burgundy is best served at cellar temperature so you will survive the apocalypse and live very happily. Invest in grills and charcoal.

If you’re a vegan, stop being a vegan. Most of the food you eat and the sauces you use are confected in labs. So either shed your plant-based morality or get ready to be very, very hungry.

Learn to stalk. Wild deer provides the most sustainable and low-insaturated-fats meat in the world. As the UK is overrun with deer the supply is virtually unlimited. Venison also tastes great. Get some skills, get weaponry.

Learn to fish. When the power goes, anglers can actually catch fish for once. Happy days.

Move to the countryside, where people keep it real, are used to power cuts, have candles poised in every room, a real appreciation of community, an endless supply of pheasant, partridge, venison, wines and beers to trade.