It’s our party and we’ll eat dog if we want to ...

It was a message from one of those newish TV news channels who get in touch most weeks to the effect of: “Would you come and say something offensive about so-and-so so our supporters can rub their hands together with fetid glee and Twitter can then go berserk with outrage?” (Quite why they ask me I can’t fathom…) “Today we’re doing a segment on South Korea looking to ban dog meat. Have you eaten dog, and if so can you come on and tell us about it?”

Well, I had to let the nation down because I haven’t in fact ever eaten dog. And rather like you, I don’t really want to eat dog, because we have a dog – he watches telly with us on the sofa and sleeps in our bedroom and he’s family, and to eat dog would thus be a bit like eating Cyrus and there would be outrage from his followers on

Instagram (@cyrusthehound).

So yes, I’m a bit squeamish about the idea and my first reaction was to think how jolly civilised and sensible South Korea is to introduce legislation that will ban this centuries-old tradition. And then I pulled myself together and told myself to stop being so pathetic and Gen Z about this. In addition to traditional meats, I’ve eaten horse, python and crocodile. I also, during Covid, raised a pig called Warwick and gained much pleasure in eating him as everything from sausages to cheeks, trotters and tail. So, frankly, dog should be no different.

Most consumers are protected from the unsavoury aspects of the meat industry. When someone is exposed to the reality of the bolt-into-the-head of the beef cow or bull or the conveyerbelt-killing of chickens, they find themselves compelled to stop eating meat – for about three of four days, before the irresistible smell and sight of a roast chicken or a grilled steak makes them forget the slaughterhouse.

If we can eat a pig that has looked us straight in the eye, then why not a dog? We have earnt the right to eat it in the same way as that of a sheep. We have evolved to be the dominant species. We won the competition to run the planet.

You can bet that if dogs had won the evolutionary race then we would similarly exist at their pleasure – be it as companion, hunter or main course with some sautéed onions and a sprinkle of garam masala. That is just nature’s way.