Here’s some more BBC items for North Korea to censor

So North Korea likes Alan Titchmarsh’s gardening tips but not his trousers. Pyongyang appreciates the broadcaster’s charm and horticultural knowledge and thus syndicates his excellent 2010 BBC show Garden Secrets – but the censors blurred out his blue jeans because denims are regarded by North Korea as a symbol of American imperialism.

And I applaud the regime for standing up for their values in a world of homogenised culture. Yet I wouldn’t wish them to think that Titchmarsh’s jeans are a sign of British cultural malaise. We make great TV, fabulous radio, world-beating literature and fine design. So please buy and syndicate our content but, to save your censors the trouble, here’s a few British things you’re welcome to censor…

Rylan Clark’s teeth. First seen on The X Factor, you’ll catch Rylan on daytime TV and on BBC Radio 2. The glow of his teeth could light up Pyongyang but it’ll keep your nation awake and they won’t perform well at those weird parades you like.

Justin Welby’s Easter Day Eucharist. The Archbishop of Canterbury pops up left, right and centre pontificating on zero-hours contracts and the Rwanda plan. You wouldn’t like your senior shaman speaking out like that, would you?

Angela Rayner’s tax woes. The deputy Leader of the Opposition (OK, I’ve already lost you) has been accused of failing to pay capital gains tax on the sale of a second property she once owned. Such a kerfuffle would be most inappropriate to broadcast and, anyway, this wouldn’t happen in North Korea as you can’t own property.

The UK’s railway system. Our various networks, no longer operating under state ownership (OK, you’ve got a point) are a miserable story of delays, staff shortages, terrible food, overcrowding, crippling prices and delayed and over-budget new infrastructure projects. Actually, if you tell North Koreans all about what happened to British Rail it might cheer them all up and make them all feel very proud and patriotic.

I applaud North Korea for standing up for their values in a world of globalised culture