The idea of non-alcoholic wine drives me to drink

Convincing people to spend equal amounts on alc-free drinks, while the firms pay none of the duty, is business genius

Leading the clamour to appeal to Gen Zs who studiously avoid booze are companies seeking the holy grail of alcohol-free wine.

They’ve tried it with prosecco

(to dreadful effect) and are now focusing on other sorts of wine.

Which to me is like attempting to uninvent the wheel.

Wine was discovered as humans observed the effects that natural fermentation had on juice. It tasted OK and got you high. So all that was needed was to get it to taste great. Thus there ensued a few thousand years of finessing, so that wine was made deeply satisfying, delicious and fresh while also having sort of rotted.

That is the miracle of wine and that is the joy of every glass: the aroma, the taste and the effect. Take out the effect, which is fundamental to the flavour, and you denude the drink. The only upside that I can see is for the companies who are creating these emperor’s new clothes and who, through the wonder of marketing, can convince people to spend equal amounts on alc-free drinks, while the company pays none of the duty. Which is business genius; their filthy liqueur creating filthy lucre.

Unlike the frothing generations scowling and searching for non-alc alternatives, I keep things simple. When I want a drink, I pour myself a glass of wine, or a gin and tonic, and when I’m thirsty, I drink water. Which means I’m not subjected to the nonsenses of smoothies and the reams of flavoured waters and sodas and other teeth-rotting junk that fill supermarkets and corner shops and railway station vending machines.

The threat of these terrible phoney drinks is also something that has, so far, quite effectively prevented me from becoming an alcoholic. The thought of tipping over the edge and having to stop drinking and wrestle with the (non-alc) alternatives is enough, almost, to keep my drinking under control. But if there’s one thing that really drives me to drink, it’s the sight of a new low-ABV product being slung in my direction.