This brainless batting has thrown away the Ashes without a fight

What the hell is going on with this England team? How do you expect to win the Ashes with that sort of batting? Everybody knows that when the sun shines at Headingley, the pitch is better for batting. Our batsmen should have been “licking their chops”, thinking there would still be a little in the pitch in the morning session while the ball is new.

They should have worked out that the Aussie bowlers would come hard at them first up, so the plan should have been: stay in, protect your wicket, make the bowlers bowl you out and after lunch, as the ball gets softer and older, scoring runs would come easier. If England had batted all day they would have a lead of 100. So, what did England do? They batted without any brains and threw away the Ashes.

Only one batsman out of seven could say he was got out by the bowlers. Joe Root received a lovely ball on a perfect length and line that just left him a touch, and he was caught at slip. No shame in that. Jonny Bairstow, playing defensive, got one that left him off the pitch. He could have got closer to the ball with better footwork.

The rest were dreadful. They gave their wickets away. Jason Roy, with no footwork, went flashing at a pitched-up ball he did not need to play. I don’t care how many runs he makes second innings. If he plays another Test as an opener then someone wants his brains tested.

Roy is brilliant in one-day cricket but I must say again, he does not have the defensive technique to stay in consistently against the new ball and he has not got the mental aptitude for the patience and concentration that is required to open the batting.

Rory Burns was looking good, batting nicely, but was set up and suckered into hooking at a short ball. He did not need to be hooking in the morning at Headingley. Wait until the afternoon to be playing extravagant shots.

Joe Denly attempted a drive at a wide, swinging ball. He is another, like James Vince, who looks good for half an hour then his concentration lapses and he gives his wicket away. You cannot keep doing that. It is a recipe for failure.

Ben Stokes is in good form, batting beautifully with good footwork, but then out of the blue,

inexplicably, he tried to hit a full, wide half-volley. He would have needed my mum’s sweeping brush to reach it. It was horrible.

Jos Buttler, straight after lunch. They put a short extra cover for him and second ball he spooned it straight to the man. I do not know what he was thinking. It is as if the batsmen cannot think straight; cannot handle pressure. It is as if they do not want to stay in and play a few maiden overs.

I understand some people are saying it is a hangover from winning the World Cup final. They have been on such a euphoric high that they cannot come down and get their minds on Test cricket.

This is not just the odd shot from one batsman. They are all doing it, and some of them did not even play in the World Cup. England shot themselves in the foot, even if we accept that the Australian fast bowling was excellent. Basically, our discipline and patience in batting and bowling was poor.

England were so lucky to win the toss on a murky, dark day, with the ball moving all over the place, making batting very difficult. Whoever batted on Thursday would have had a torrid time staying in or making runs. England got two early wickets. Stuart Broad bowled some unplayable balls to David Warner. Everything was in

Stokes would have needed my mum’s sweeping brush to reach a full, wide one. It was horrible

favour of the England bowlers, yet somehow we lost the plot by bowling wide and short.

Australia got to 120 for two, with Root still employing four slips and the ball whistling around the park at over four runs an over.

It was ridiculous to watch the match getting away from England under such favourable conditions. Root was at his wits’ end because he knew this should have been a great opportunity to bowl Australia out for a very low score.

In desperation he called Jofra Archer back and he got Warner out, which precipitated an Aussie collapse. Archer had already done such a fantastic job, expending a lot of mental and physical energy trying to win at Lord’s before only three days off.

Then he was bowling again in this Test match. He had to bowl uphill and kept England in the match with his six wickets. At his post-match interview, he said he was puffed bowling uphill. England’s seamers needed a full day off, yet they got only 28 overs’ rest and they were bowling again. Maybe they should have made the batsmen do the bowling.