What hap­pened next

Chew­bacca’s spat with Princess Char­lotte

The Daily Telegraph - Telegraph Magazine - - CONTENT - Guy Kelly

Septem­ber 2020 Caught short in an in­come break be­tween flm­ing Star Wars se­quels and Star Wars pre­quels, Chew­bacca is forced to sell locks of his own hair to an ever-thin­ning Pres­i­dent Trump, who fash­ions the auburn tresses into a makeshift Afro in an ill-ad­vised at­tempt to win the black vote. The ar­range­ment comes to an end when the pres­i­dent con­tracts feas and de­cides to de­port all Wook­iees un­til Amer­ica ‘sorts it­self out’.

De­cem­ber 2034 A still-ex­iled Chew­bacca en­ters the Celebrity Big Brother house and be­comes em­broiled in a drunken row with re­al­ity-tele­vi­sion prodigy Saint West and his ex-wife Princess Char­lotte. Nine bil­lion peo­ple watch on Chan­nel 5 as the hir­sute thes­pian growls in­com­pre­hen­si­bly at the pair, sounds that stu­dent groups in­ter­pret as vile sex­ual threats. Chew­bacca later joins Mr Blobby, Pud­sey Bear and for­mer Blue Peter tor­toise Ge­orge as one of a hand­ful of non-hu­man sus­pects in the now two-decade-long Op­er­a­tion Yewtree in­ves­ti­ga­tion.

Au­gust 2098 Now more than 300 years old and the only sur­viv­ing cast mem­ber from any pre­vi­ous flm, Chewie an­nounces a self-funded Star Wars se­quel in which he plays ev­ery role him­self, in­clud­ing Princess Leia and R2-D2. An ex­er­cise in self-mas­ti­ca­tion, the flm, Guess Who’s Bacca: Chew Young To Die, is slated by crit­ics, who de­scribe it var­i­ously as a ‘hair-brained idea’ and ‘100 per cent fuff’. Nev­er­the­less, it breaks a box-of­fce record set three years ear­lier by Toy Story 56.

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