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Kate Moss, champagne, wetsuits, handsome stuntmen and 80 drag queens… Jennifer Saunders’ Absolutely Fabulous on-set diary is just as outrageous as the TV series ever was
As Absolutely Fabulous: The Movie is released, Jennifer Saunders’ on-set diary reveals the full extent of the Bolly drinking and celebrity lusting that occurred during the making of the flm
October 11, 2015 La vie en rosé I am here in the South of France. Sun’s out, as promised, the rosé’s cold, just as I’d hoped, but I left my new iPhone in Heathrow air por t. Probably no bad thing, as it means I have to concentrate on work. Because, dear reader, the reason you are reading this, I hope, in the future is because we start flming tomorrow. Filming. A flm. An Absolutely Flabulous flm what I’ve wrote. The reason I haven’t done one before was because of the pressure, but in the end it was the pressure what made me do it. In fact, it was Joanna Lumley who made me do it. Yes, Jack Lumpley as I likes to call her. It was all her idea, so don’t blame me. ‘We’ve got to make the flm, darling,’ she said. ‘Because otherwise we’ll all be dead and we won’t have made the flm.’ So here we are. Just 105 of us. Hangin’ out in the South of France and makin’ a flm. A flm that’s been 25 years in the making. What could be nicer? Ooh yes, how lovely – I do like flming. An early night is the thing. Nice early night before flming starts tomorrow, then wake up nice and fresh and start flming. Love a bit of flming, me. No pressure at all. I mean, it’s already written; we just has to act it and put it in a can.
October 12, 2015 – 4.30am OMG
This is MADNESS!!! It’s not going to work. We must STOP IT NOW!!
October 12, 2015 – 6.00am Ouch!
Good morning! It’s dark. I can see the lights on the sea as we drive to location. I am very, very nervous and clutching black cofee (in a cup, not just in my hands; someone put it in a cup). I don’t know what make-up can do with my old crumpled face this morning after much rosé and no sleep but I have the excuse that I am playing a character. It’s not me.
October 12, 2015 – 10.30am Getting into my roll
It must be time for lunch. Isn’t it about time for lunch? We’ve been flming for hours. We are very close to shops with baguettes. I could eat a whole baguette in one go like a human shredder. I need food. Today I am driving a Piaggio Ape in a kaftan, so I can eat. And anyway, I am a character. She is fat. The weird thing is that Edina can still look fat in a kaftan that is supposed to cover all that, and Jack Lum looks thin in a kaftan that is supposed to cover all that. Weird. The mysteries of a kaftan. An Ape (that’s ah-pay, not ay-p) is a tricky little bugger to drive, and that’s if you can even get it actually started in the frst place. It won’t always start. It’s a bit hit and miss. That’s why we have stuntwomen and special Ape drivers to do all the hard bits. It’s like driving a sewing machine but it’s a van. We just have to sit in it when it’s stopped and make faces. Or ‘acting’ as we like to call it. The face-making goes well and the frst day is a considerable success. Why was I panicking?
October 14, 2015 In the Cannes
Emma Baby Bunton Spice is on set today, smiling and sparkling and always a perfect shade of tan. One of the best things about making the Ab Fab flm is getting all the old faces together again. Not that hers is an old face. Why, her face is young and lovely. Today, we are flming just behind the Croisette in Cannes. ‘What is the Croisette?’, I hear you cry. ‘Is it a giant croissant? Is it a cruciform modern sculpture?’, I hear you thinking. No, you fools! It’s a street what runs along the seafront at Cannes and it is crowded with tiny old women holding small dogs in pink jumpers (the dogs), and men holding cigarettes and tiny cups of cofee, and Seg ways and joggers and, of course, the odd person looking for the giant croissant… It really is too good to be true to be flming here; it seems to me that the Côte d’Azur is the only place in the world where the reality is even funnier than the idea. For today’s scenes, Jack Lumpley is looking impossibly elegant in a Giles Deacon ruf. Unfortunately for her, this means she can’t really talk, smoke or eat. At least she doesn’t have to do all the hard work though. As well as working, I actually have to work. Mandie Fletcher, our director, is trying to lock down the casting of cameo roles between takes and sometimes I have to sit with her in a nice chair, eating a delicious Brie baguette, and throwing out names like ‘Benedict Cumberbatch’. Although Benedict Cumberbatch, it turns out, is busy for the next fve and a half years. What is it with actors? We are ofering tiny, tiny, tiny roles that will take up minuscule amounts of time and it’s, ‘Oh no, sorry, I’m busy doing flms,’ or, ‘So sorry, I am going round the world with all my actor friends for the next two years,’ or a simple, ‘I’m dead.’
October 16, 2015 Benedict, qui?
This is the life! This af ternoon’s flming takes place on Thumper, a Sunseeker yacht so big that I can’t actually ft it on to the screen of my iPad to take a picture. Just getting her out of the harbour probably costs the production about £1,000 in petrol but, hey ho, whaddya gonna do? While Mandie and her crew go up in a helicopter to flm us, Joanna, the marvellous Marcia Warren (who plays Patsy’s ‘wife’, spoiler alert!!!!) and I do some ver y hard work drinking champagne on the sun deck. So life ain’t so bad, Benedict Cumberbatch and all you other Unavailables.
October 22, 2015 Mes chéries
The Palais Bulles in Théoule-sur-Mer is one of the most strangely weirdest, most uncomfortably furnitured places you will ever see in your life. Before flming started, I was fickin’ through Hello! mag, as you do, and had to ring our art director, Harry Banks, immediately to tell him what I’d seen. The villa, if you can call it that, is made up of lots of little bubbles – that’s what bulles means, you know – clustered on the side of a clif, like a gang of ovarian cysts. It was built by Pierre Cardin, who should really have known better; and fashion people, especially French ones, think it is simply merveilleux (it’s on the market for a cool €350 million if you’re interested). Today, it is providing the perfect backdrop for the flm’s climax, when Edina and Patsy drive the Piaggio Ape into the swimming pool. To perform this stunt, Joanna and I are wearing wetsuits under our kaftans (this is so not fattering but I don’t mind because it’s a character) and doing the Times crossword while Frank and Cyril, our two absurdly handsome French stuntmen, do all the work. When the time comes for us to get in the water, Joanna – naturally – gets the more handsome of the two helping her to her seat, but then she is a great deal older than me and therefore very fragile and in need of much
It was Joanna Lumley who made me do it. Yes, Jack Lumpley as I likes to call her. ‘We’ve got to make the flm, darling,’ she said. ‘Because otherwise we’ll all be dead’
reassurance and comfort. All the Js are now in France, all t he orig inal Ab Fab gang – Julia Sawalha (Saff y), Jane Horrocks (Bubble) and June Whitfeld (Mother) – although June isn’t here today. And let’s not forget Jon Plowman, our producer. He produced every single episode of Ab Fab ever made – and there were quite a few, let me tell you. Oh, and Lulu is here too. Good old Lulu. I would never dream of making an Ab Fab flm without Lulu in it. She is our tiny little lucky leprechaun charm. We’re all showing of a bit (more than usual) because Robert Webb is here today, playing Nick the policeman and Safy’s love interest. We are all trying to look like it really is hard work, which it isn’t, and we really are professional, which we aren’t. As I deliver my lines, the Ape gradually sinks. Joanna is having trouble keeping her cigarette alight and I wish I’d gone to the
toilette before I got into the pool but, apart from that, everything is going swimmingly. Days like these, I can’t think why we haven’t made a hundred flms. If I didn’t know better, I’d have a celebratory glass of wine tonight. But I won’t because I’m working (although, of course, we all will as soon as we get back to the hotel, or possibly even by the time we hit make-up to be de-wigged).
October 23, 2015 Mwah-mwah
It’s all Jack’s fault (again). Quick dinner in our favourite Japanese, discussing upcoming London scenes and how to make them as hilarious as possible, ended up with us crying with laughter and going to bed too late. We were laughing on the other side of our faces when the old alarms went of while it was still dark. Still, it’s the last day of French flming today and we’re all in merry mood. Lunch is a French afair – long trestle tables heaving with bread and cheese served by Frenchmen in sunglasses. As the afternoon’s flming wraps, everyone does lots of clapping and kissing. Even the mayor comes to say bonjour and au revoir. We’ll all be very sad to leave France but then there’s going to be a little wrap party at the hotel tonight – eight minutes of footage and eight bottles of wine each type-afair – so, chances are, we won’t actually know that we’re leaving.
October 28, 2015 A fght for the front row
Damp, autumnal London. The Côte d’Azur seems a dream away. We’re all rather reeling from the change of atmosphere. No more long lunches and kissing; just a soggy egg roll (eaten as the character) and a parka to keep the wind out. Tonight, we’re flming a fashion show in the penthouse of a huge, luxury skyscraper called Neo Bankside, just by the Tate Modern. Once you get to the top, it’s breathtakingly beautiful; but that’s if your vertigo can take the lift ride up. This place is for sale too and has been for a while, which is why we get to flm in it. Sometimes places are incredible but utterly unlivable in. It would be like living in a huge hotel lobby of a very unpopular hotel. Yes, that personal. Our brilliant costume designer, Rebecca ‘Becks’ Hale has, among many other wonderful things ( like get t ing Viv ienne Westwood to custom-make several of my costumes), persuaded Giles Deacon to stage the fashion show for us. The clothes and the models are all his; all we have to do is turn up in character and fall about a bit. The premise is pretty simple: Edina and Patsy arrive late, and smoking, at the show and force their way on to the front row. And this isn’t just any old front row, I can tell you. It’s full of actual real people, like Sadie Frost and Abbey Clancy and people who work at
Vogue and other people who were Made In Chelsea. And some fashion bloggers too (some of whom are wearing Mickey Mouse ears, for no apparent reason). Yes, you heard. Fashion bloggers. Or Floggers if you’d rather. And no, I don’t know what they do either but I love the idea of working from home. Gwendoline Christie is here too. Yes, Brienne of Tarth of of Game of Thrones. I met her at a party and she said she was a fan of the show so I signed her up on the spot. Then I watched some Game of Thrones, in which she was quite brilliant but I couldn’t keep up with the plot and gave up after a dwarf had sex with his sister. It’s her birthday today and Joanna and I give her a cake. She screams and cries.
October 29, 2015 Westwood, hey ho
My feet hurt. I just can’t wear high heels like I used to. It’s like I’ve lost the ability with age. I hobble. Actually, I have a ‘condition’. I have a bone spur that makes it uncomfortable, so my foot is full of cortisone, which eases the hobbling. Vivienne Westwood shoes are very bad for hobblers like myself, and they are seemingly all that I wear in the flm. Celia Imrie is here today. Another original gang member. She plays my arch rival, Claudia Bing, who has become even more successful in the social-media age. Part of the reason that I wanted to write the flm now is because I often feel pathetic about the supposed advantages and joys of the modern digi-social-media world. Keeping up with Facebook and Instagram and Twitter is a whole day’s work for me. I don’t know how not to trail through other people’s worlds of children and dead friends and dog videos before I get to
Benedict Cumberbatch, it turns out, is busy for the next fve and a half years. What is it with actors? We are ofering tiny, tiny, tiny roles that will take up minuscule amounts of time
Kathy Burke is here – hurrah! – so everything is OK. Kathy played Magda, Patsy’s boss, in the original series and it was hard to tempt her back for the flm. Kathy was worried that women don’t look like her in fashion. How wrong. I googled and produced many pictures of those behind the glamour, most of whom are simply normal-looking women dressed well. We assured her she would be dressed well, and she agreed. I have no idea what time we fnally wrap but it’s unbelievably late, or early. Thank goodness I’ve driven myself to work so I can get home without talking. I like the mindlessness of driving.
November 10, 2015 Leg of Jon Hamm
Jon Hamm’s in today. No big deal. Just Jon Hamm. Mad Men Hamm. The Mad Hamm. JON BLOODY HAMM!! I have to admit that I have seen less of Mad Men than Game of Thrones but love him anyway. JON HAMM! Now, as cameos go, you’ve got to admit that’s a winner. Jon Hamm meet Kate Moss… It’s good, isn’t it? No one is playing it particularly cool, I have to say (Becks Hale admits to having had to have a little lie down after his costume ftting). No one except Olive, that is. Olive is my whippet, and she is the only one who seems genuinely unphased by the star in her midst. At one point, she snifs the Hamm’s leg rather disdainfully and moves on. Moss and Hamm are a pretty intoxicating combination. There are so many people crowded around the monitor that it becomes a health-and-safety hazard. MOVE AWAY! NOTHING TO SEE HERE. Days like these I’m glad to have a front-row seat and have to go in and give notes. Notes like, ‘Hey, you guys. Wanna go for a drink on wrap?’ Kate has wrapped by lunchtime and encourages a gang of us to the pub. Joanna, myself, Lulu, Gwen Christie, Baby Bunton, Bruno Tonioli, Celia Imrie, Janette Tough and the Hamm, of course. Damian Jones, our producer, is invited too. And so is his credit card.
November 12, 2015 – 8.30am Gay day
The Royal Vauxhall Tavern. I have never seen such an Ab
Fab sight in all my life as the arrival, through the commuter mist, of 80 drag queens in full costume. Behind them traipse the commuter suits, rubbing their eyes as if someone slipped some acid into their porridge. We are flming a scene in a gay club today, in which Safy goes looking for Edina’s hairdresser (as played by the fabulous Chris Colfer from Glee) – in the hope that he knows where her mother and daughter have gone – and ends up singing a sad karaoke song. In all the years that she has been playing Safy, Julia has never once failed to hit the nail on the head. She can judge a scene perfectly and always has the right tone and energ y. She also, it turns out, can sing like a dream. The drag queens are genuinely captivated. These girls are so gorgeous that they have to be seen to be believed. Jack and I, despite not being on camera today, have come down to set because we couldn’t possibly resist. If there’s one thing she and I have learnt to love over the Ab Fab years, it’s a gay club. From the very beginning, Ab Fab seemed to really strike a chord with the LGBT community (lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender. Obviously. Not BLT – you have to remember the G). I’m always asked by journos why I think they are such a hit with the gay community. I don’t actually know. Perhaps Patsy and Edina are divas, with a mix of bravado and vulnerability. Plus, they simply don’t care what anybody thinks. As soon as I arrive, I wish I’d worn more makeup. I look like a little brown mouse next to a whole tribe of 6ft Mickey Mice, and every single one of them seems to want a selfe. Some of these great people have travelled far – some from as far away as Glasgow – many in leathers, and many have slept in full make-up in order to be ready by the early call. I could not love them more and, in my dreams, the red carpet at the flm’s premiere would be fanked by this gang, all dressed as Edina and Patsy.
November 17, 2015 Do I look fat in this flm?
Supermodels galore today. Suki Waterhouse, Alexa Chung, Daisy Lowe, Lily Cole, Lara Stone, Jourdan Dunn, Stella McCartney, Kate Moss and Nick Grimshaw are all on set, flming Edina’s dream sequence in which they beg her to go with them to Goa. There’s a lot of candles, dry ice and sheepskin rugs. Olive doesn’t know whether to have her nose put out of joint or just settle down on the sheepskin and be more beautiful than all of them put together (she eventually opts for the latter). I feel like a slightly sweaty sausage wedged on the sofa next to all of them, but they are all so really very lovely that I soon forget myself. I realise quite quickly that this isn’t just Edina’s fantasy. Before she leaves, Stella asks if Jack and I will switch on the Christmas lights at her shop in character. Of course we will. A few days later, we are due to present her an award at the British Fashion Awards. Of course we will. We love Stella. Is it nearly Christmas yet?
November 27, 2015 It’s a wrap, sweeties
Last day of flming, in an aircraft hangar in somewhere near somewhere that might be Ruislip. It’s a long way from Cannes, but Rebel Wilson is here so it’s not all drudgery. Rebel used to watch Ab Fab back when she worked in a video store in Australia. I gave her an award one day and she said she would like to be in the flm. I signed her up immediately. She didn’t warn me at the time that she was about to become stratospherically famous and would only be available for one day, but we coped. She is hilarious – ad-libbing some lines that are so flthy even Patsy is shocked. It’s a cold, bright day and there’s a jolly carnival atmosphere. And then, suddenly, it’s all over. It’s a wrap. It’s actually a whole big actual wrap. Last day. I stand for a moment and take it all in: everyone drinking and laughing and celebrating the end of flming the flm that I didn’t think we’d ever make. I’m not going to cry. I’m not. Oh, I am leaking a bit… In fact, I go. I’m going to go home and sleep. And then I’m going to sleep some more. Wake me up when it’s Christmas, will you? Absolutely Fabulous: The Movie is released in cinemas on July 1