What happened next
Nigel Farage fails to make an exit
Farage embarks on a relationship with Taylor Swift – it takes two weeks for ‘Niftay’ to make waves
January 2018 Post-Brexit, a semi-retired and wholly bored Nigel Farage begins a campaign for Britain to leave that other great continental tyranny: the Eurovision Song Contest. In a calculated move, he enters with a self-penned disco anthem This Is All Nancyboy Nonsense (And You
Should Be Ashamed of Yourselves). Just as he’s about to take to the stage in Antwerp, however, Michael Gove pushes in front to perform his own song.
March 2020 Reinstating himself as Ukip leader ahead of the general election, Farage makes a move familiar to anybody wishing to boost their profle in a hurry: he embarks on a relationship with Taylor Swift. It takes just two weeks for ‘Niftay’ to make waves, thanks chiefy to paparazzi shots of the couple canoodling on the beach in Broadstairs wearing matching purple pound-sign swimsuits. With the plan deemed a success, Swift immediately conducts a ‘quickie’ Leave campaign, and follows up with a restraining order.
October 2048 After decades in hiding, the 84-year-old Farage is traced to a market lock-up, Farage’s Garage, in a derelict area of east London. Scrutinising his wares – hoarded European Parliament pens and pads and miniature Union fags – reporters notice that the stock is counterfeit and accuse him of selling rubbish to the public for his own gain. ‘Not for the frst time!’ Farage wheezes, before limping off as the police turn up.