What hap­pened next

Nigel Farage fails to make an exit

The Daily Telegraph - Telegraph Magazine - - NEWS - Guy Kelly

Farage em­barks on a re­la­tion­ship with Tay­lor Swift – it takes two weeks for ‘Nif­tay’ to make waves

Jan­uary 2018 Post-Brexit, a semi-re­tired and wholly bored Nigel Farage be­gins a cam­paign for Bri­tain to leave that other great con­ti­nen­tal tyranny: the Euro­vi­sion Song Con­test. In a cal­cu­lated move, he en­ters with a self-penned disco an­them This Is All Nan­cy­boy Non­sense (And You

Should Be Ashamed of Your­selves). Just as he’s about to take to the stage in An­twerp, how­ever, Michael Gove pushes in front to per­form his own song.

March 2020 Re­in­stat­ing him­self as Ukip leader ahead of the gen­eral elec­tion, Farage makes a move fa­mil­iar to any­body wish­ing to boost their profle in a hurry: he em­barks on a re­la­tion­ship with Tay­lor Swift. It takes just two weeks for ‘Nif­tay’ to make waves, thanks chiefy to pa­parazzi shots of the cou­ple canoodling on the beach in Broad­stairs wear­ing match­ing purple pound-sign swim­suits. With the plan deemed a suc­cess, Swift im­me­di­ately con­ducts a ‘quickie’ Leave cam­paign, and fol­lows up with a re­strain­ing or­der.

Oc­to­ber 2048 Af­ter decades in hid­ing, the 84-year-old Farage is traced to a mar­ket lock-up, Farage’s Garage, in a derelict area of east Lon­don. Scru­ti­n­is­ing his wares – hoarded Euro­pean Par­lia­ment pens and pads and miniature Union fags – re­porters no­tice that the stock is coun­ter­feit and ac­cuse him of sell­ing rub­bish to the pub­lic for his own gain. ‘Not for the frst time!’ Farage wheezes, be­fore limp­ing off as the po­lice turn up.

Newspapers in English

Newspapers from UK

© PressReader. All rights reserved.