good grief

As defined by Julia Samuel

What was your relationship with the person who died?

The biggest indicator of how much pain we are in is the quality of the relationship and how much we loved the person who died. The more important they were in your life, the more you loved them, the more you will miss them.

What is your relationship with yourself?

As your relationship with the world and others is changed by grief, so does your relationship with yourself change. You need to show compassion for yourself, to listen to your own needs, to be kind and not to attack or criticise yourself constantly.

Express grief

Find the means of expressing your sorrow that works for you personally. There is no right way; the key is to connect to the feelings you have inside.

Give yourself time

It is important to understand that grieving takes longer than anyone wants or expects; you cannot fight it.allow more time than is often expected to make decisions.

Nurture your mind and body

Your whole being is impacted by the death of a person you love. Every thought that you have has a physiological component that is felt in your body, and there are reciprocal bodily sensations that can trigger thoughts.

Know your limits

When you experience a life- changing loss, it is likely to affect your capacity at work and socially. It is important to recognise the power to say no. If you are able to give a proper no, then your yes becomes infinitely more positive.

Seek structure

In the chaos of grief, you can feel tilted off your axis. Putting one or two things in your day, regularly, that you know you can reliably do, for example exercise, helps you feel like you have some control.

Learn to focus

‘Focusing’ is a practice, developed by the psychotherapist and philosopher Eugene Gendlin, that can let you ‘pause the ongoing situation and find new possibilities for carrying forward’. Grief is held in the body, often in an inchoate way. Closing your eyes and breathing into your body, then focusing on the images that emerge, can be a form of release, helping to induce a sense of calm.