Wardrobe rules

WHAT EVERY MIDULT NEEDS TO THROW AWAY

THE PLAID SHIRT

Once you thought it made you look adorable. Approachable. These days it just makes you seem a bit violent. And the bust button-gape is not cute. Was it ever?

THE TOO-SEXY UNDERWEAR

It gives you double-boob and a truly brutal wedgie. You have never worn it . There it sits, glaring at you in all your failure.

THE REVEALING DRESS

That backless dress that is, to be honest, slightly frontless too – so no chance of a bra. When were you that person? (And how do you find her again?)

THE POLYESTER GYPSY TOP

OK, you’re not 12 and you’re not a g psy. Time to come to terms with both of those things. Perhaps.

THE SHOES YOU FALL OVER IN

With heels so high they make you walk like you’re recovering from a double hip replacement.

THE DISINTEGRATED JEANS

Yes, you love them. Yes, they hold memories. But the inner thighs have rubbed clean through, the knees have gone, there’s a vast rip in the bum, the buttons have fallen off, and they no longer fit without delivering a vicious muffin top.

The worry with trouser suits is they make one appear municipal. Like a prison warden. Or rectangular. Like a fridge

A TROUSER SUIT

The new jumpsuit. Do not be afeared – these monkeys are back big time, and the relaxing part is that anything goes. The shape and colour are entirely up for grabs (although not black, please). The worry with trouser suits is they make one appear municipal. Like a prison warden. Or rectangular. Like a fridge. So, seeing as the waist is back too (must get ours out of storage), it might be wise to veer away from boxy, big-shouldered jackets. We don’t want to look like The Blues Brothers. The easiest way to avoid this? Wear nothing underneath. Do it. Or don’t. Actually, it’s a stupid idea.

A UTILITY JACKET

This is not a parka. Repeat: this is not a parka. It is a hip-leng h, non-hooded, faintly waisted situation that can be worn all weekend with anything. The whole point is that nothing will really go together but the whole thing will look… creative. Rather than deranged.

A PARTY DRESS

We are calling time on the office-to-bar, 18-hour-dress shtick. That mentality stops us ever getting our hands on a proper, formal frock, and leaves us looking permanently middle-of-theroad. Seeing as sequins and shine are all over autumn, it ’s time to commit. No sequinned cardies of three years ago. Also, no sequinned pencil skirts of two