12 THINGS WE DREAD HEARING

— ‘I’m thinking of organising a long weekend

in Ibiza for my birthday.’ — ‘Don’t you look like your mother?’ — ‘I’m clean-eating at the moment.’ — ‘Shall we spice things up a bit?’ — ‘Let’s go camping.’ — ‘Did you get my text?’ — 'Where have you put Dad’s ashes?’ — ‘You look well.’ (Translation: fat.) — ‘We can send an engineer between 5am

and 11pm.’ — ‘Unexpected item in the bagging area.’ — ‘This never happened with my wife.’ — ‘We need to talk.’