The Midults’ guide to...

Feeling tense

SOME PEOPLE ARE not entirely relaxed and that is fine. It ’s fine. It ’s just the way we are engineered. Us slightly more vigilant types have many qualities.

We are always prepared, for example. We shimmer with alertness and adrenalin. We’ re just not relaxed. Never entirely surrendered. Relaxation is not the point of us. We are too tense ever to…

SLEEP ON A TRAIN

What kind of psychopath can sleep on a train with the lights blaring and other people and thundering train s ounds and a handbag that could be snatched?

WATCH TELLY IN REAL TIME

Where is the joy without the complete control of pause, rewind and binge? Real time is more commitment than we can handle. And anything with any susp ense element to it i s an act of self-harm.

WEAR SEXY UNDERWEAR

Without feeling that we have to a) apologise, b) make a joke of it, or c) pretend it’s some old thing we’ve had forever.

SAY YES TO A HEAD MASSAGE AT THE HAIRDRESSER’S

Please just wash my hair and let me get the hell out of here.

ENJOY A HAMMOCK

A triumph of hope over experience. Getting in, getting out, enough said.

DITTO DECKCHAIRS

Will today be the day I irreparably shatter my coccyx?

ALLOW OUR PHONE BATTERIES TO DROP BELOW 50 PER CENT

Because, what if ? Unimaginable.

GET A PET

A cat maybe. But the cat will die. Get run over or savaged by a fox . I am already a bit sad about the cat I have never met. Poor dead cat. Poor me.

ENJOY A ‘LOVELY, LONG LUNCH’

Running out of things to say. Staring at empty plates. Missing our weekend nap-portunity.

REMAIN SILENT DURING A MASSAGE

I salute those who can lie down and drift off and not ask the masseuse about her life and her thoughts on Brexit.

GO OUT WEARING NO KNICKERS

The sheer vulnerability of the proposition is not for us. Not at all.

ANSWER THE PHONE

Bad news. Accusations. Invitations. Impositions. Why do I feel a bit lonely?

PARK IN UNDERGROUND CAR PARKS

Tiny spaces. Squeaky, screechy, rubbery floor. Pillars every where. Cameras everywhere. Murderers everywhere.

ENJOY A PICNIC

Where is the nearest loo? Where is the nearest table? Is there shade? How am I going to eat this? Sorry, where is the loo?

DEFROST THE FRIDGE

Oh God, what if it never starts up again? Can’t eat the whole freezer and find self without supplies. Mince. And ice. Also flooding.

LEAVE A COAT IN A RESTAURANT CLOAKROOM

I might be cold. I might need to leave in a hurry. There might be a fire. And what if they lose it?

DO ANYTHING AT THE AIRPORT

Just have to sit still and stare – unblinking – at the departures board. God forbid I should miss the boarding announcement by even a nanosecond. And once the gate is announced, then go, go, go. No time for Boots or Pret or Sunglass Hut. Are you insane?

SIT ALONE AT A CAFE ON A PAVEMENT

What am I? French? themidult.com

‘Underground car parks: Tiny spaces. Cameras everywhere. Murderers everywhere’