WHAT HAPPENED NEXT

THE BAYEUX TAPESTRY

January 2019

A year after offering to loan the Bayeux Tapestry to Britain, Emmanuel Macron decides France should, in fact, receive something – n’importe quoi –in exchange for the gesture. A stumped Theresa May throws the question to the public, whose impish suggestions are: 1) Henry Bolton; 2) Wales; 3) £350 million per week; 4) Mrs Brown’s Boys; and 5) ‘One of the rubbish stumpy bits of Stonehenge’. Macron grudgingly chooses the last, and Boris Johnson tweets: ‘Hey frogs, it’s better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick!’ His ill-judged metaphor offends the Ancestors of King Harold II Society, who call for an apology and resignation.

March 2022

With the tapestry now in place at Wembley Stadium – the only venue big enough to handle the sheer number of advance bookings – disaster after disaster strikes in the first week, beginning at the unveiling ceremony when Culture Secretary, Matt Hancock, accidentally cuts it in half instead of the ribbon. Things get worse when historians attempt to laminate it to protect it from the rain, and worse again when they forget to move it aside for the FA Cup final. With the artefact ruined, May orders the Museum of Reading’s fullsize replica to be stitched over damaged areas, before having every single Briton sign a non-disclosure form promising not to tell anyone French.

November 2023

The time has come to return the tapestry to Normandy but the British Government is reluctant to part with it. David Davis tells Macron it’s been lost, but he isn’t fooled. Ever the hero, Johnson steps in. ‘Now, hear me out,’ he says, ‘I haven’t yet done the measurements, but you know how I suggested that crosschannel bridge a few years back? Well, how about we just find the narrowest point and drape it acr…’ — Guy Kelly