WHAT HAPPENED NEXT

GAVIN WILLIAMSON

March 2018

Buoyant from his brave kiss-and-tell, ex-fireplace salesman and current Defence Secretary Gavin Williamson continues his quest to confess all previous sins in preparation for atory leadership bid. ‘Williamson: my plastic litter shame,’ bellows The Sun one day. ‘Def Sec admits making fake phone call to avoid old school friend in 2008,’ screams The Mirror on another. ‘Gav to wife: I actually found the garlic overpowering in your ragu last week,’ leads a

Times special supplement.

July 2019

Almost 20 months after he was appointed, Williamson, now 43, is fed up with still being told he looks like a nine-year-old by the chiefs of staff. ‘I’m here to help, but you should respect me as an adult! I kissed a girl, remember!’ he squeaks, and takes them all out to lunch at Pizza Hut. ‘If you really want to help, could you get us some tartan paint and six spirit-level bubbles for the next meeting?’ General Sir Nick Carter (above) responds, as the table falls about giggling. Williamson’s patience reaches the limit when he accompanies May to a meeting with Donald Trump. ‘Neato, Theresa,’ the president says. ‘My kids work for me, too!’

October 2020

Spraying his hair white and walking with a cane to lend himself gravitas, Williamson frets that in his role as Defence Secretary, his pre-leadership CV wouldn’t be complete without starting and finishing a war. He does all he can to make one inevitable – encouraging Boris Johnson to speak more – until Amber Rudd (above) suggests he head to the moon and pick a fight there instead. ‘Don’t worry, Gavi, I’ll make sure you don’t miss anything here,’ she assures him. When he returns four months later, Rudd has been installed as leader. — Guy Kelly